Brexit – At last, the government’s brilliant hand is revealed!

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"You should see the other guy" says Brexit fantasist David Davies after first round with Johnny Foreigner in Brussels

Citizen Cuddis gets to the nub of those Brexit talks.

As Peter O’Sullevan often said, ‘They’re off!’ Brexit negotiations started last week and the stakes couldn’t be higher. The incandescently smug David ‘Dee-Dee’ Davis, Secretary of State with responsibility for making a sow’s ear out of a silk purse, has for some time been working himself so far up his own arse that it’s possible he will completely vanish from view before negotiations end — or even earlier, should his strutting smuggery continue to ramp up exponentially.

Next we’ll be sending in the troops to guard the fishing fleet

The self-deluded tripe that characterised early Tory pronouncements on the chances of landing the grandaddy of Brexit super-deals for England-shire and his wife always sounded like wishful thinking: Guaranteed to get a good deal … Who else will the sausage heads sell their BMWs to? … I doubt the Italians could offload their washing machines anywhere else … Johnny Furriner needs us more than we need him’. And so on. Let’s face it — Charles Manson had a firmer grip on reality than May and Co.

But the moment Davis actually went toe to toe with the enemy (technically 27 enemies) and he could see the whites of their eyes, he found himself staring into the vertiginous reality of the Brexit abyss, without the aid of a safety net or the Daily Mail.

As a result, the tripe now spoken by Davis on behalf of the whole of the United Kingdom is no longer self-deluding, because the game is up. Now Lord Cocky of Smugton (to use Davis’ proper title) himself knows it’s tripe. We know it’s tripe. And so does the whole of Europe.

With the government no longer able to deny reality, a previously repressed scenario loomed out of the year-long smog of Tory Brexit groupthink: that Britannia may well end up getting huckled from the negotiating table straight out the fire doors and into the alley. If she does end up sprawling there on her ass amongst the trash cans, with the prongs of her trident bent further out of shape than a soup-kitchen fork and wearing her shield for a hat, she’ll always have the opening bout of the fight of the century to look back on …

The MC announces the boxers. ‘In the red corner, representing the might of the 27, weighing 17 stone twelve and a quarter pounds, and with a Clydesdale horseshoe in both gloves, Michel! ’Battleship!’ Baaarnier! Thunderous applause shakes the auditorium.

Trump predicts the range of predicted British success in Brexit talks (plus or minus hee-haw)

In the blue corner, representing the fag end of the British Empire, weighing 6 Stone 4 ounces in a wet singlet, Dee-Dee! ‘Feet of Clay!’ Daaaaaavis!’ Thunderous silence.

At the call of ‘seconds away, round one’, the bell clangs. Smirking as best he can wearing a gum shield, Dee-Dee moon-walks backwards out of his corner, and starts Ali-shuffling around the canvas on his spindly, off-white, Ingerlandic legs, shouting, ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.’ There are whoops of delight — all coming from Dee-Dee himself.

At this exact moment he is all things to all men: He’s a Tory sycophant; a man with the gravitas of Rod Hull’s Emu and the physique of Charlie Drake; a boxer leading with his jaw; and a politician more raging fool than raging bull. 

His opponent, Battleship Barnier, looks as strong and stable as a medieval war-horse in full armour. He abruptly stops Dee-Dee gyrating about the canvas like an overwound clockwork mouse. This he achieves by driving a fist straight into Lord Cocky’s sternum. The force of the blow is equivalent to the Wabash Cannonball hitting a a rock face at 120 mph. He goes down like a sack of King Edwards. The bell clangs again. End of round one … and quite possibly, civilisation as we know it.

Treeza has not remained idle while Dee-Dee gets duffed up. In a pre-arranged pincer attack she offered EU citizens resident in the UK for five years or more a heartfelt and heavily conditional welcome, a year too late. Bunting and bottles of Babycham are to be supplied free of charge for these ‘special category’ furriners to fund street parties in celebration, although their partners and children may or may not be eligible to join them — possibly forever. Unfortunately, party-pooper Barnier said ‘not tonight, Josephine’ and now Treeza is left considering her options, which largely consist of backing down or caving in.

I’m in charge… of nothing. In particular…How soon is now?

The BBC, in its capacity as propaganda arm of the Conservative and Unionist Party, did its bit to prepare the electorate for defeat by allowing Dee-Dee to haver that the EU might offer a deal which was ‘dissimilar to the current arrangement’. In other words that we might be told to ‘do one’. During the same escape of hot air, he went on to say that this meant that in future British businesses competing with European nations for trade might do so at a slight disadvantage. Their unencumbered counterparts in Paris and Berlin, having a free run over even terrain. While British entrepreneurs dragged smiddy’s anvils, attached to their testicles with tie wraps and leather thongs, over an endless stretch of undulating sand dunes.

Behind the scenes, the muttering classes are rumoured to be punting Chancellor Philip Hammond as caretaker Prime Minister before the Autumn conference. Appointing Hammers would be as effective as trying to close the attainment gap by appointing your school janny to the board of governors. Whatever happens next, Dee-Dee must go into training for round two of the Brexit bout amid a tsunami of gushing but thoroughly insincere support for Treeza uttered by those refusing to discount the possibility of their joining colleagues to malky her out of office when the time is right. Tick tock, Treeza.

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9 COMMENTS

  1. Ed, is this really you? Sounds awfy like Citizen C – no matter, it’s just pure dead brilliant, so it is – I’ll be sending you over a couple of Notional Drams 😉

    • Thanks Graeme. As you’ll see at the top of the text, it is indeed the Great Cudd. His head is swollen enough though !

  2. It is now becoming apparent that May will be dropped from a great height come the end of summer. Hammond is being lined up as the next PM. He will probably be appointed in August, and we will then have an October election.

    I suspect that Nicola Sturgeon was acutely aware of this when she attempted to reset the Indy-Ref 2. Rumours abound in WM that this is definitely what is happening. May will stand down for health and personal reasons later this month. Behind the scenes she will be told to leave by Tory HQ.

    Hammond has even less of a mandate than May, so the election is inevitable. The Tories don’t want an election as they might lose, in fact they will probably lose. In Scotland the SNP don’t want another bruising election. People like Pete Wishart et al are on shoogly pegs. Any further loss of SNP MP’s will indeed be the end of Indy-Ref 2, and likely the end of Sturgeon as leader.

    Paradoxically if Sturgeon can win those Labour seats back then Indy-Ref 2 will be hastened. So in the end it’s up to us the people and SNP voters to get off their collective backsides and fight back against this corrupt State.

    • Yes, agreed. And this means that we’ll have months more of this utter clusterfukc to look forward to. Only in a country where the MSM so avidly, shamelessly and unquestioningly support the establishment could this happen. The billion pound bung for the DUP (justified as being a benefit to Scotland, Wales and England alike by Gove on telly last Sunday), the tower block fire and its ramifications, the re-birth of the magic money tree … it goes on and on and on. Still the Tories cling to power like barnacles to a rotting hulk. In fact, clinging to power seems to be the be all and end all of politics today. Time for my cocoa I think.

  3. Loved this , I had a ringside seat in my VR world , dee dee looks to be in deep doo doo treezas arranging for one of these springback boards to be fitted to dee dee so that he looks as if he’s got a spine ( dream on ) I honestly think the tolies are shitting themselves , they want the power but they don’t want the cascade of shit coming their way , they would rather hand over the reins to liebour and watch what kind of clusterfcuk they will make of negs, then when all done , rubbish liebours attempts and take over again . ADVICE TO LIEBOUR BEWARE TOLIES BEARING GIFTS

    • Ha! Loved your comments, twathater. Yes, the Tories are indeed between a rock and a very hard place. I can’t see how they wriggle out of this in one piece. Maybe the chinless Gove will ride to the rescue. Somehow I doubt it?
      Regards

  4. The Tories want May to stay on until their conference in the autumn. However I don’t think she will simply fall into line. Apparently when she announced the election, noone in Tory HQ knew until 10 minutes before she stood on that podium.

    This is why I think she will just decide herself enough is enough later this month. If she knows she is being used she might want to spite them!

  5. Not sure about May but the Tories will definitely not want another plebiscite any time soon,especially in Scotland where they have been screaming for No more democracy.
    There is a possibility in any case that they might lose,so not likely to happen.
    May will remain until Brexit is concluded.

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