Collider latest: Tracking down Labour’s Tweedledum mystery

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The shock appearance of cult former soap star Kezia Dugdale on TV at the hands of the merciless Gordon Brewer shocked millions as she managed to take two oppositional opinions at the same time, over and over again. Whatever can have happened to the darling of Scottish Labour as she fretted and fumbled through an interview that even had some loyal followers bamboozled.

Our intrepid scribe Citizen Cuddis reveals a link to Paisley’s very own Heedrum Hodrum Collider. Read on…

John Tenniel's 19th century depiction of Tweedldum & Tweedledee, from the Lewis Carroll novel
John Tenniel’s 19th century depiction of Tweedldum & Tweedledee, from the Lewis Carroll novel

As recent interviews reveal to all but Daily Record readers, the mystically detached and the permanently befuddled, Kezia Dugdale has cloven her personality in twain in a recent series of extended “car crash”  interviews. Each hemisphere of her brain appears to be as hermetically sealed from its opposite number as Kim Jong-Un is from the rest of the planet.

Both of Kezia’s identities appear to have squatting rights to the same skull, the previous mind having given up tenancy, leaving on the first bus to Niddrie, after the 2014 referendum.

Until recently nobody knew who these dual personalities really were. That is until boffins at Paisley’s Heedrum Hodrum Collider made a startling discovery.

Professor Klaus Vier explained all to science correspondent Achiltibuie Hughie over a bacon butty this morning in the collider canteen:

Never mind Kez, it's ME they're all talking about! Nicla disnae speak fur Scotland, Ah dae! 22.6% y'know! That's nearly a majority in mah language. Future First Minister, me!
Never mind Kez, it’s ME they’re all talking about! Nicla disnae speak fur Scotland, Ah dae! 22.6% y’know! That’s nearly a majority in mah language. Future First Minister, me!

‘We set the collider to the frequency previously used by Radio Luxembourg and bombarded Kezia’s heid for eight straight days with a common-sense particle-beam. Unfortunately, this failed to attenuate the high volume of nonsense emanating from the Branch Office’s Commander-in-Chief. However, as often happens in science, a by-product of the experiment bore unexpected fruit.’

‘We were packing up our kit when we discovered a file on the Collider’s recording device. Once downloaded we realised that we had captured a snippet of internal dialogue proving that Kezia Dugdale believes herself to be fictional duo, Tweedledum and Tweedledee.’

‘The left hemisphere —Tweedledee — is utterly and fundilly committed to getting up each morning (a good start to anyone’s working day, we think) and the right hemisphere is equally utterly and fundilly committed to fighting tooth and nail to elect a Westminster Labour government who couldn’t give a poke of Orkney fudge for Scotland or her people.’

“We were too late to catch the October publishing cut off times for the New Scientist and Nature, so we sent a copy on spec to The People’s Friend, and we’re pleased to announce they snapped it up.’

People’s Friend World Exclusive:

A People's Friend writing group meeting in Bristol. These folks started their journey in Paisley when the Collider suddenly whisked them towards the Severn. In fact they're on a mission to meet the real Rev Campbell who lives nearby in Bath. Or does he bathe nearby in Life? At who cares?
A People’s Friend writing group meeting in Bristol. These folks started their journey in Paisley when the Collider suddenly whisked them towards the Severn. In fact they’re on a mission to meet the real Rev Campbell who lives nearby in Bath. Or does he bathe nearby in Life? At who cares? (https://www.thepeoplesfriend.co.uk)

Award Winning Boffins Record Politician’s Internal Dialogue

‘Oor Jeeza’s a complete bam, is he no?’

‘Contrariwise, tubby, he’s pure dead brilliant.’

‘He wisnae last week, fatty’

‘Aye, but now he’s got a mandate.’

‘He had a mandate before, chubby chops.’

‘Nohow! He didnae!’

Aye he did!’

‘Funcy a 2nd independence referendum, lard-arse?’

‘Nohow!’

‘Fit aboot a seat on the NEC? We could vote for each other and we’ll baith get in.’

‘Ah canna believe your askin me this again. You should be coming awa wi SNP Bad.’

‘No a shouldnae!’

‘Aye ye should.’

‘Onywey, I’m no sitting on the same seat as you tubby.’

‘Well, I am, fatso.’

‘Whatever.’

(Courtesy Ra Peepil’s Freend)

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5 COMMENTS

  1. Braw airticle, tho ah’m still tryin tae get ower Nicola’s daft ‘SNPx2’ strategy whit wis a certain shoe-in fir thon Ruthie tank commander’s Tory ‘oddballs’. Mibbe its a wummin thing – thair aw ayeweys faffin aboot heidless an helpless. Independence really needs somebody wi a ‘ruthless’ streak, juist like thon Tory wummin in No. 10.

  2. I will be writing to the Nobel Committee to ask why you haven’t been awarded a Nobel Prize for your proving without a shadow of a doubt that there isn’t a particle or even a quantum of existence of something called the Scottish Labour Party. Oh and to ask why Tweedle Dums and Dees haven’t been recognise as fundamental quantum’s of existence.

  3. Iain
    You are too kind. I suppose the Scottish Labour Party is like the equator: everybody has a vague notion about where it is but nobody can actually find evidence of its existence. As for your tweedling question, this may go above the committee’s heads but good on you for trying anyway.

  4. Set the Heedrum Hodrum Collider to Malky, Tweedledee and Tweedledum will then annihilate each other in a stramash of new parties .

  5. Them’s wise words KC.I ill make sure that ProfessorVier gets you message. I’m not sure of the collider has a ‘malky ‘ setting but it should have. Let me see to it. Expect this setting to be used in future articles.

    I thank you for your insight.

    Cuddis

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