Citizen Cuddis: Separating the dancer from the dance, so we don’t have to…
Not since my days as a deckhand on a submarine have I held my breath for so long. But the post summer re-animation of the less than great and the not very good to the ‘Hall of Guff-Spouters’ or the Westminster parliament as it known Dan Saff has me breathing normally again.
Will there be an orderly return to daily politics? There’s more chance of a narcoleptic making it through an episode of ‘The Love Boat’ without mumbling ‘timber’, falling face first into his fish supper and snoring like he has a mouthful of kazoos. Such an event is highly unlikely to happen — it’s a once in a generation thing, like a successful Brexit or the egg and spoon race becoming an Olympic sport.
My whistle blower — Deep Heat — spent the summer cruising selected bars across the Central Belt, antennae sensitised to the chiff and chaff of political scuttlebutt of every hue. Granted, these were the sort of bars where punters take a leak in the street even though there are toilets inside, and this may have skewed the data. Nonetheless, what follows is the pick of the creme de la cream of the cherry on top of the crop of fascinating, and in many cases, entirely fabricated stories — a genre pioneered by Good Morning Scotland.
What the Papers Say
Hand picked morsels of British journalism (Titles have been withheld to protect the stupid)
JOHN BULLSHIT, TORY POSTER BOY
‘The Tory party’s ambiguity around its Brexit messages has led to a new poster by artist Sir Percival Twistleton-Penge R.A. The poster is to be circulated during the Conservative party conference. The poster depicts John Bullshit with his trousers around his ankles, leaning over the despatch box like Tom Brown about to be caned stupid by the beak. Michel Barnier looms over John Bullshit like the colossus of Rhodes Boyson. A speech bubble has John Bullshit declaring, ‘Whack me now please, and I mean hard, real hard!’ In contrast to this supplicatory cry, a message at the top of the poster proclaims: ‘Ain’t we giving Johnny Foreigner what for!’
TO ERR IS HUMAN …
‘This morning, Tory councillor, serial killer and vegan turned cannibal, ‘Chisels’ O’Hooligan, threw the entire canteen staff off the roof of Paisley’s maximum security super prison because the coq au vin he’d had for lunch (the other prisoners get gruel) was not as ‘cocky’ as he expected and thereby failed to meet what he called ‘Gordon Blue’ standard.’
‘Chisels’ is a Conservative councillor in Mid-Troon. After his trial at the Old Bailey he was given special permission by Colonel Rooth Harrison to remain in post in perpetuity. He will hold weekly surgeries in cell 86 of D Wing where he will be domiciled until 2085, unless death by hanging is re-introduced before then.’
Air Vice Marshal Rooth Harrison (TA), leader of the Indy II? Ay, Right, Ya Bass Party told reporters, ‘He’s said he’s sorry and has enrolled in an anger management course through the Open University — From Psycho to Softie in 10 easy steps. We all deserve a second chance — unless you’re in the SNP of course.’
MARVEL OF BRITISH ENGINEERING
‘Our wonderfulness, Queen Elizabeth of England and royal workhorse, Prince Phillip (God bless you, sir!) today opened the Queensferry Bridge, a British engineering marvel that would have made Isambard Kingdom Brunel weep like a workhouse orphan. God bless the United Kingdom and all who sail in her.’
One Scottish paper had an alternative take on the opening, running with the headline, ‘GLORY HUNTING NONAGENARIAN SPONGERS, MA WINDSOR AND THE CHOOK OF EMBRA HEAD TRUDGE RELUCTANTLY NORTH TO OPEN INDEPENDENCE BRIDGE’
SHE’S THE CAT’S MOTHER!
One yoon daily ran it’s regular feature — It Happened on her Watch’, in which blame for the tragic outcomes of random global events is apportioned to the SNP on a 100% basis. Listed under the heading, ‘Now look what she’s caused!’ were:
- Dengue fever epidemic in upper, lower and middle Limpopo
- Limpopo epidemic in upper, lower and middle Dengue
- Death of the Dalai Lama’s royal yak whisperer as electric prayer wheel explodes
In a worrying escalation, Dan Snowdrift, the BBC historian announced that the SG is also responsible for events which took place centuries before they came to power. This week’s ancient SNP bad round up includes several of the plagues of Egypt and the eruption of Krakatoa.
NOW SG RESPONSIBLE FOR TWO BLACK HOLES!
‘A survey of leading political nonentities (sample size 4) has found evidence that the implosion of red giant N64531 in the constellation of Lenny the Lion occurred during Nicola Sturgeon’s watch, creating yet another ginormous black hole (though still smaller than the SG’s GERS-defined budget deficit) which the hopeless SNP government will blame Westminster for.
PARLEZ-VOUS BREXIT? LORD HEE-HAW DOES!
‘Diplomacy with a capital Dee Dee has been thrown out the Brexit window as the three Brexiteers abandon argument in favour of schoolyard insult. It all kicked off after they hung around in chip shop doorways for 15 months before accusing EU negotiators of dragging their feet!’
‘Dee Dee Davis, the unionists’ very own Lord Hee Haw of yoon propaganda, bereft of ideas since before the referendum votes were counted, has resorted to mudslinging. He has been kept aloft by riding on a magic carpet of his own guff.’
‘Sources close to insiders who listen in to other people’s conversation in hairdressers, say there is to be a resurgence of playground insults from the 60s and 70s. Phrases soon to be hurled across the negotiating table at EU officialdom include: ‘Get knotted’, ’Stick it up your jumper’ and ‘Up your pipe.’ As a final resort, parliamentary approval will be required for use of the taxidermist’s retort of ‘Get Stuffed.’’
‘Ironically, Scottish insults such as ‘Are you conversing at me or chewing a house brick?’, and ‘Any more of your lip, pal, and your arse will be knitting buttons‘ have been blown a raspberry because … well, because they’re Scottish.’
‘The verbal insults are to be translated into 27 languages and published as an A5 guidebook for British diplomats. Tests have been carried out to measure the efficacy of the insults. In one such test, Dee Dee called Kim Yong Un and suggested he trade his head in for a bowling ball.’
COX WARNS OF SUPERNOVA DANGER
‘Fears that Kim Yong Un might kick off WW III have waned as a bigger threat emerged. Professor Brian Cox predicts a massive explosion capable of consuming our solar system should David Davis’ ego go supernova.’
‘A Geyser of pish erupted over Journo Town earlier this month as a 12 strong team of revisionist scribes churned out reams of bollocks about the magnitude of Kezia Dugdale’s astounding contribution to modern politics. This was akin to the tosh spoken when your uncle Jim died. When they talked fondly about his love of stamp collecting and how he was devoted to his vegetable patch. Not included in the funeral service rhetoric was any mention of Jim being dodgier than Harry Lime, having stripped the lead off every church roof across the parish while still a minor.’
MIBBEES AYE, MIBBEES NAW
‘Spoiled for choice, Yoon hacks cannot decide on the best headline for the news that Treeza May intends to hang around like smog for a long time to come. The short list comprises:
MAY TO STAY
MAY NOT TO GO AWAY
THE LADY’S NOT FOR GOING.
GOING SHE AIN’T.
SHE’S NOT OFF
NOT GOING?—NOT ‘ALF!’