Something for everyone in Spunky Dunky’s Austerity Cookbook

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Sink or swim, ya feckless scrounging bassa! ER hang on, isn't that me trying my walk on water routine...works for Gideon, after all.

The deeply popular Minister for Work & Pensions has produced some great new diets and recipes for modern Britain. Newsnet’s very own hungry bugger Citizen Cuddis took notes

FOREWORD

Cor blimey, was that me? I'd give that 10 minutes if I were you mate...
Cor blimey, was that me? I’d give that 10 minutes if I were you mate…

Greetings, tummy-rumblers. It’s been an exciting few weeks. Well, for me anyway. My Welfare Bill passed its second reading with flying colours, thanks to our Labour chums. This is great news for everyone on four times average wage.  As a one nation Tory, however, no one is better placed to understand the predicament this causes the downtrodden—mostly because I’m the one that’s been stomping on their gonads for the last five years.

Many of them will have a roof over their heads. Well, somebody’s roof over their heads anyway. And provided that promiscuity hasn’t led them to have more than two children, there’s not much coming over them frankly.

Having said that, healthy eating can be a challenge to the feckless which is why I penned this book in the first place. At £15.99 you may rest assured that every penny earned from sales of the book goes directly to my bank account in Cancun.

Enjoy!

IDS

CHAPTER ONE—The IDS 5:2 Diet

As part of their contract with the DWP, sanctioned benefit scroungers and other riff-raff will soon have to adopt the IDS 5:2 diet. This is for their own good and will provide at least 8% of the recommended daily intake of nutrients needed to sustain meaningful existence. IDS 5:2 dieters will have to remain on the diet until they wise up and get a job.

I am often asked whether the IDS 5:2 diet is healthy. The simple answer is no. The 5:2 diet gets its name because Paddy Power is currently offering five to two against anyone completing the diet without contracting scurvy or rickets.

You will become haggard and listless and may have to walk slowly to conserve energy. On the upside this will increase your chances of landing a part as an extra in any remake of Zombie Dawn II—The Re-infestation.

Nobody said it would be easy. Certainly nobody at the DWP. But here’s some tips, advice and recipes that will give you a fighting chance of dietary success.

Spunky Dunky’s Cost Saving Cookery Tips

No. 27: Stretch your food budget with tattie-paring stock

This dish contains water AND potatoes
This dish contains water AND potatoes

This low cost recipe will provide you with a yummy stock which you can use to make a variety of nutritious weed-based soups (suggestions below).

Ingredients

8 gallons of water

1 lb. of tattie parings

Drop the parings into a cauldron. Add water. Boil. Strain. Feed tattie parings to your third child. That’s it.

Since there is no way you can afford to heat your home, freeze the stock by leaving it in the children’s bedroom overnight. Defrost a litre at a time with your Zippo as required. Use as a basis for Giant Hogweed Broth or Japanese arse-weed stovies. Serve with a chilled dock leaf and sedge whiffle salad.

COMMENTS

@soupkitchensuzie

Nice one Spunky.

Here’s my own austerity-busting tip: Keep your old chip papers. Stuff them into the sleeves and pockets of your Oxfam jacket. That should keep you warm enough to turn the gas fire off, even in winter.

@hoboharry

@soupkitchensuzie

Yum yum thanks Dunky! Count me in as another happy customer ya big beauty! I'm mental me.
Yum yum thanks Dunky! Count me in as another happy customer ya big beauty! I’m mental me.

I’m up for this chip paper gig. Might be useful to suck the grease out of the chip papers first though. Up here for thinking; down there for dancing.

@cynicalsid237

WTF! This chip paper bollo*ks is … Well it’s bollo*ks. Turn off the gas fire? In winter? You’d be hyperbolic within minutes!

@hoboharry

@cynicalsid237

You might be right. Daily Record front page story?

‘Police Baffled As Punter Freezes To Death In Front of Gas Fire’

Victim of hypothermia discovered in Wishaw tenement.  Double-breasted jacket stuffed with old chip papers. Satanic ritual suspected. ‘This has got the SNP’s fingerprints all over it,’ said Willie Rennie, ‘Arrest Sammin.’

*

Spunky Dunky’s Feature Recipe

People don’t like austerity. I get that. They don’t like me either. I get that too. But I am no stranger to hard times myself, truth be told. During the dark days of WWII, my family actually ran out of truffles. Mater was in despair (Pater was at the Foreign Office).

Worse was to come. At Christmas the under-butler fell off the wagon and refused to get up of a morning to make breakfast. There were nary a devilled kidney nor poached kipper on the Welsh dresser until Lent.

This week’s lip-smacking offering is for Giblet Soup, an updated version of an 1856 recipe from Mrs. Beeton’s Book of Household Management. Coincidentally, 1856 is the year to which the Conservative Party want to roll back the Welfare State.

Giblet Soup

Ingredients

3 slack handfuls of ASDA Value goose giblets

1 tin of assorted gizzards

3 lbs shin of beef

A couple of whale bones from your great grandmother’s corset

1 de-sharned ox-tail

2 left-handed mutton shanks

1 large faggot of herbs

3 quarts of water

A dash of hope that one day you’ll be able to afford real food again

Method: Scald the giblets, hack the gizzards, hurl everything in a soup pot with the whale bones, ox-tail, mutton-shanks and herbs. Add the water. Simmer till the giblets are tender or until the rising nausea you’ve felt since you first clapped eyes on the recipe has blossomed into a tripe-shuddering bout of the dry boak, causing you to involuntarily jack-knife around the kitchen like a bull rider in a rodeo.

When the giblets are done, remove them using laundry tongs (the longer the better) Take care not to breathe in. Put them in a serving dish, strain the soup through a sieve and boil the living bejesus out of it for half an hour. Pour over the giblets and serve to anyone foolish enough to want it.

*

This is my first appearance in a Cuddis item! I'm so excited! (Yes it's Ruth. R-U-T-H. No not K-E-Z-I-A)
This is my first appearance in a Cuddis item! I’m so excited! (Yes it’s Ruth. R-U-T-H. No not K-E-Z-I-A)

Spunky Dunky Says Let’s Talk … Fruit

As a member of the working poor, you cannot afford first class fruit. However, that needn’t stop you getting your hands on second class fruit.

No precise definition of second class fruit exists but we all know the sort of thing I mean: Fruit that has fallen off a Waitrose delivery lorry which has then reversed over it; pomegranates that have been used for batting practice; bananas knelt on by careless shelf-stackers; strawberries on the turn or genetically modified hairless gooseberries the big supermarkets won’t buy from farmers.

Spunky Dunky’s Austerity-Friendly Verbs

No.16: ‘eke out’

1. to make (a supply) last, esp by frugal use: they eked out what little food was left.

2. to support (existence) with difficulty and effort

3. to add to (something insufficient), esp with effort: to eke out an income with evening work.

Relevant or what?!  Whenever I hear this verb I get all nostalgic because I remember the day Dave and I came up with the slogan—‘Let’s make the poor eke ‘till they squeak’. I though we’d never stop laughing.

In the next chapter our topic will be ‘Treats: Why you can’t have them and how to get over it’.

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19 COMMENTS

  1. Great piece cuddis.

    Aye, some of those recipes bring back memories. Giblet soup I remember well. My mother used to sieve it through the gusset of my grandads long-johns. She insisted it enhanced thr flavour. Downside was trying to pick grey public hairs from between your teeth.

    We never had a gas fire, only ‘connels’ [candles to the rich folk]. We’d sit round those. My dad would light them if it got *really* cold.

    I wanted to laugh at this Cuddis, but nostalgia brought a lump to my throat. I swallowed it. It tasted great.

    • And a fabulous reply GA, as usual. Loved the connels remark. I can see where you went wrong with your grandfather’s gusset too. You spit out the hairs like raspberry seeds. That’s the correct procedure.

      Cuddis

        • Prof

          I’ll take that as a compliment?.
          Regarding GAP’s whining about the hardships of his upbringing I suggest he had little to cry over. My father used to suck a Polo mint on winter nights and we all huddled round his tongue (Copyright for this gag, Ken Dodd, 1965).

    • Public hairs GAP? Have some nerve. Don’t be such a shaved pussy!

      And, candles! You were lucky. We dreamed of candles. We had to read by the light of the wick in my dad’s ear wax.

  2. Got a letter I sent to the Nat which so far they have not printed despite the fact that it was super topical on 28/7/15 and still is to this day. Had some conversation with the Nat but so far they do not seem to accept the relevance of the letter. Is there a way I can send it to you where you can assess if it is worthy of printing or not?

  3. Tattie parings?

    Would that be last weeks or this weeks. Ah cannae go just spending willy nilly all over the place y’know. 🙁

  4. ‘Wulks’. Maybe ‘IDS’ (perhaps he has more than one?) Has never lived near the sea but on weekends when both my (working) parents ran out of cash (aye, work is the route out of poverty dontcha know?) the six of us would troop down to the shore and pick a hundredweight of wulks. We humphed the burlap sack into the old silver cross pram and wheeled it to the wulk buyer. £7 for 5 hours of back-breaking work.

    There were other ways to make money of course – I could ‘lump’ fish at the local fish market (using a hook to drag the boxes of fish away from the quayside) which earned £5 for 6 hours of yes, back-breaking work. Failing that there were always the ‘batten boats’ which unloaded their cargo of newly-cut planks of wood onto the quay with the help of some willing hands. Another fiver for hours of yep, back-breaking work.

    I wonder if the bold Duncan-Smith has ever had to worry about where his next meal is coming from. I seriously doubt it.

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