Belief
A technique borrowed from religion, used by teeth-gnashing, spit-speckled unionist apparatchiks whenever their threadbare, evidence-lite, jingoistic, shoogly-peg arguments in favour of the union start to cave in under no more pressure than that exerted on the fronds of a feather by a dormouse fart.
Better Together
See under ‘porky pies’, ‘pants on fire’, ’snake oil, and ‘Aye, right!’
Coming the Osborne
At it.
Doing a Boris
At it, internationally.
Day job
As conceived by Ruth the Mooth, the First Minister’s day job is to deliver the Conservative Party’s manifesto promises on which she wasn’t elected. This can be done only when the First Minister stops chasing
The bright elusive butterfly of independence from glen to lochan’s brim and back again, and starts fixing the hospitals, schools, public toilets and vacant bumble-bee hives she and her government have broken.
The Mooth, meanwhile, is free to idle away her largely empty days clambering over military hardware like a hyperactive 7 year old at a Tank Battalion open day. Or to appear on HIGNFY (will the Great British Bake Off and ‘Strictly’ come next?) and still find time to do her day job, which is of course attacking anything the SNP say while riding a buffalo.
Debt
- (1) Also known as UK debt. A useful fiscal tool. The actual amount of the deficit doesn’t really matter. All western governments run a deficit. It’s perfectly normal. The figure of £1,500,000,000,000 is too large for mere mortals to understand so people should avoid thinking about it altogether. Anyway, it’s a small price to pay to continue supporting the reckless casino economy gambling indulged in by the spivs who sold us all PPI and dodgy endowments back in the day.
- (2) Also known as Scottish debt. A gaping, unbridgeable fiscal chasm lurking permanently at the heart of the Scottish economy. Calculated by the UK Treasury (without any workings in the margin) as an overgenerous portion of their own ruinous borrowing. Comprises money we didn’t borrow, spent on stuff we never asked for and which resulted in a deficit we aren’t legally entitled to have. Any figure higher than 9d in old money presages a financial tragedy for Scotland similar in magnitude to the Wall Street Crash resulting in a basic rate of income tax of 59% and your bins being emptied once a year on Rabbie Burns’ birthday.
Doorstep
A place where Kezia Dugdale frequently suffers auditory hallucinations. A Brigadoon-like fantasy world evoked by anti-SNP politicians. ’That’s not what I hear on the doorstep,’ she’ll say, before going on to tell you that what she does hears on the doorstep sounds uncannily close to current Slab thinking (subject to change at a moment’s notice).
Farage
Verb, to resign, come back, then resign and come back again. A form of political Hokey Cokey.
Just what?
Fluffing
As in, ‘That geezer got a right good fluffing at the party conference’. See also ‘Mundellised’. Assailed with a desperate diatribe of rehashed unionist mince filtered through the beard of the Secretary of State for Scotland. The equivalent of being beaten up with candy floss.
Fundilly Mundilly
(1) The first half of the catchphrase of Speedy Gonzales, a cartoon character who spent a lot of his time pointlessly running around — “Fundilly Mundilly, Arriba, Arriba.”
(2) The complete catchphrase of former Scottish Labour Leader, and stand-up comedian, Jim Murphy, a cartoon character who spent a lot of his time pointlessly running around the BBC in Glasgow.
Fundilly
When Slab politicians become exhausted to the degree that they cannot even talk nonsense properly, for instance when struggling to pronounce the phrase ‘Fundilly Mundilly’ they may use the short form: ‘Fundilly’.
(The) Germans will beg us to buy their Mercedes’
A phrase prompting the reply, “Aye, right!”
Gove
Past tense of ‘gave’ as in,”I Gove Boris a knife in the back.”
Great …
(1) What Tony the tiger thought of Frosties.
(2) A prefix hinting that paradigm-busting social change is about to take place (The Great Reform Bill for example.) The promise of social change usually evaporates faster than a raindrop falling on lava once the impact of the initial soundbite fades.
John E. Furriner
Garlic munching fiend of British mythology. John Bull’s sworn enemy.
Living wage
Formerly ‘the Minimum Wage’, a derisory amount of money intended to supplement your bus fare to the nearest food bank or charity shop (though you may have to hitch back). The living wage has much in common with the planet Venus, both being utterly incapable of sustaining human life.
Long term economic plan
An Osbornism. A fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants strategy, an amalgam of voodoo economics and headless chicken-ism, presented as a coherent plan, but whose proposed benefits lie so far away you’d need the Hubble telescope to spot them.
New powers
A nebulous cluster of barely conceivable, largely imaginary super powers, any of which would turn the X-men green with envy, which are always ‘coming our way soon’ but which never seem to arrive.
Once in a generation decision
A personal opinion, mangled by the MSM, entering political folklore as a binding legal commitment valid until the sun explodes.
POOR (DESERVING)
People in work who:
- 1. Whole-heartedly accept that being submerged up to their centre-parting in the midden of hostile regulation that is the DWP, is entirely their own fault.
- 2. Understand that nobody with a trenching spade is going to come and dig them out.
- 3. Accept that whining never helped anyone.
- 4. As a condition of receiving tax credits have expressed their gratitude for being in work.
POOR (UNDESERVING)
People not in work
Powerhouse
A vacuous phrase, less substantial than belly button fluff. Hot air designed to inflame an entrepreneurial fervour in areas to which ‘Powerhouse’ has been gratuitously added to their geographical descriptor — ‘Northern Powerhouse’, for example.
Powerhousey, Powerhousier, Powerhousiest
A comparative classification for parliaments. Scotland’s parliament belongs in the third category apparently.
Quantitative Easing
A dump taken in a Treasury toilet.
Tough decisions
Psychopathically ruinous choices visited upon the many for the benefit of the few, dressed up as painful (for the public at least) but necessary and presented with faux reluctance.
‘vast majority’
A fantasy-based mathematical projection of the number of Scots believed by Ruth the Mooth to oppose SNP policies.
As in:
- (1) ‘A source who shares a drying green with a junior minister’s next door neighbour this morning told reporters: “The vast majority of Scottish people believe that the punitive cost to the Health Service of prescription eye glasses could be halved at a stroke by instead issuing prescription monocles. This would stop the current, SNP-endorsed waste-fest whereby everyone failing their eye test gets two lenses regardless of the number of eyes actually underperforming.
- (2) ’The vast majority of Scots simply don’t want to be Scottish. They are perfectly contented to remain vassals of Westminster liege-lord, Sir Fluffy of Mendellia, until the Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party (Northern Branch Office) gets a majority in Holyrood or Gabriel blows his horn for last orders — whichever comes first.’
Mc
Abbreviation of the phrase “Mother of all Ceilidhs”. What Scotland will have the night independence is achieved.
*Brexicon: The only dictionary of fundilly-mundle political jargon you’ll ever need! C. Trumpet Enterprises, all rights reserved until the launch of Trumpet TV Cuddis CableVision
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