Heedrum Hodrum Collider offers frightening glimpse into Conservative psyche, finds our man with his finger in the tunnel, Citizen Cuddis.
A device originally designed to peer into the criminally deranged mind has been adapted by Professor Klaus Vier at the HHC to explore the Conservative Party mind. In yet another groundbreaking first for the professor’s team, the device has been tried out on Theresa May. The results were so electrifying that the first time it was switched on, both picture valves blew and the Bakelite control knob flew across the room.
‘It’s the kind of kit that’ll have the techno-eggheads over at GCHQ priapic with envy,’ the professor told NewsNet’s science correspondent, Achiltibuie Hughie. ‘It puts our boffins way out in front of the vanguard of the cutting edge of Happenings-ville. The results were spectacular. The collider team has not been this dumbfounded since first hearing Tiny Tim thrash his ukulele to ‘Tiptoe Through The Tulips’ in 1968.’
‘The device is clamped to the subject’s forehead. A set of combine harvester jump-leads is attached to the ears. Psychotropic drugs and the application of enough electricity to light up Fort William for the trades’ fortnight, do the rest. This drug-voltage combo deludes the subject into believing they have the power to form a cabinet by appointing absolutely anyone in history.’
‘The new PM had a gap in her diary between her fly cup with the First Minister and meeting Ruth the Mooth. She foolishly agreed to take the device for a test drive.’
‘As the lights dimmed and the lab windows dirled to the throb of the machine, the PM slumped into a coma-like state similar to the one Slab has been in since Tony Blair climbed into the driving seat of the party’s clown car and drove it off a cliff.’
‘In her comatose state, it was a doddle to convince the PM that she had not yet announced her cabinet but that she should do so immediately in a speech. She lurched upright (Shouldn’t that be ‘lurched right’? Ed.) to deliver the speech I leaked to NewsNet earlier today.’
Speech
‘The government I lead will be driven, not by the interests of the privileged few but by the interests of the privileged many as more and more of my chums clamber onto the latest gravy train like hyaenas leaping onto the carcass of a wounded wildebeest.’
‘For too long, governments have done everything they can to line their pockets before robbing you blind. The government I lead will completely reverse that situation. We intend to rob you blind before lining our pockets.’
‘When it comes to taxes we will prioritise the wealthy, not you. When it comes to opportunity we won’t entrench the advantages of the fortunate few, we will do everything we can to help anybody earning at least three times average earnings, whatever their background, to get their snoot so deep in the trough they’ll need to be winched to the surface by a mountain rescue chopper so they can draw breath.’
‘Let me now turn to my extra-specially special relationship with my besties — the tribes of the Northlands. I met your Northling Queen a short time ago at Butty House. She had just returned from paddling her coracle of state up and down the Clyde vainly searching for another excuse for Indy2, ignoring feral Northling children as they scrambled about in the undergrowth, chomping on hunks of rough-hewn shortbread as they hunted for a decent education.’
‘I quoted your Queen a line from the chorus of your unofficial National Anthem, The Wee Cooper Wha Lived in Fife: “Nicketty, Nackety, No, No, No” — No to independence. No to Europe. And double No with brass bells on it to a second independence referendum.’
‘This said, I can now reveal my new team.’
‘Following the tradition of appointing brainless boom-and-bust Chancellors of the Exchequer — men capable of psychopathically imposing crippling taxes on the poor, each with a black belt in the black art of veiled robbery, I can today confirm that the Emperor Caligula will head up the Treasury.’
‘Doctor Crippen will replace Jeremy Hunt as Secretary of State for Health — I’ll get the good doctor to wear a badge so people don’t get confused over who’s who.’
‘Following IDS’s tremendous achievement in flattening thousands of people already on their knees, filling the post of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions was never going to be easy. However, I feel we have a competent replacement in Vlad the Impaler, because devious, cruel and vengeful are attributes I have long admired. I rejected Ghengis Khan—the other candidate for this post—as he isn’t quite right-wing enough for my liking.’
‘And to honour my commitment to listen to any reasonable solution that will stop the tribes of the Northlands keening like their beloved bagpipes over self-determination I shall set up a new ministry: The Ministry for Belly-Button Fluff, Ear Wax and the defeat of Scottish Independence, headed by Marie Antoinette. Marie has a record of compassionate listening. This will ensure that Indy2 has as life-enhancing an outcome as a cordless bungee jump.’
‘Naturally, on the counter-terrorism front we continue to need someone to keep a watchful eye on the UJP, the ‘so-called’ Uppities of the Jockland Peninsula, and for this reason I intend to appoint Edward Longshanks, Hammer of the Scots; old Malleus Scotorum himself as Secretary of State for Scotland. Malleus will replace Fluffy Mundell, Toffee Hammer of the Scots, as he is affectionately known north of Dundee.’
‘Let me close my speech on a note of humility, and a recognition of the great works of my predecessor by paraphrasing Zack Newton: ‘If I don’t seem able to see any farther than the end of my nose, it is because I have stood upon the shoulders of a political midget.’
