The shock appearance of cult former soap star Kezia Dugdale on TV at the hands of the merciless Gordon Brewer shocked millions as she managed to take two oppositional opinions at the same time, over and over again. Whatever can have happened to the darling of Scottish Labour as she fretted and fumbled through an interview that even had some loyal followers bamboozled.
Our intrepid scribe Citizen Cuddis reveals a link to Paisley’s very own Heedrum Hodrum Collider. Read on…
As recent interviews reveal to all but Daily Record readers, the mystically detached and the permanently befuddled, Kezia Dugdale has cloven her personality in twain in a recent series of extended “car crash” interviews. Each hemisphere of her brain appears to be as hermetically sealed from its opposite number as Kim Jong-Un is from the rest of the planet.
Both of Kezia’s identities appear to have squatting rights to the same skull, the previous mind having given up tenancy, leaving on the first bus to Niddrie, after the 2014 referendum.
Until recently nobody knew who these dual personalities really were. That is until boffins at Paisley’s Heedrum Hodrum Collider made a startling discovery.
Professor Klaus Vier explained all to science correspondent Achiltibuie Hughie over a bacon butty this morning in the collider canteen:
‘We set the collider to the frequency previously used by Radio Luxembourg and bombarded Kezia’s heid for eight straight days with a common-sense particle-beam. Unfortunately, this failed to attenuate the high volume of nonsense emanating from the Branch Office’s Commander-in-Chief. However, as often happens in science, a by-product of the experiment bore unexpected fruit.’
‘We were packing up our kit when we discovered a file on the Collider’s recording device. Once downloaded we realised that we had captured a snippet of internal dialogue proving that Kezia Dugdale believes herself to be fictional duo, Tweedledum and Tweedledee.’
‘The left hemisphere —Tweedledee — is utterly and fundilly committed to getting up each morning (a good start to anyone’s working day, we think) and the right hemisphere is equally utterly and fundilly committed to fighting tooth and nail to elect a Westminster Labour government who couldn’t give a poke of Orkney fudge for Scotland or her people.’
“We were too late to catch the October publishing cut off times for the New Scientist and Nature, so we sent a copy on spec to The People’s Friend, and we’re pleased to announce they snapped it up.’
People’s Friend World Exclusive:
Award Winning Boffins Record Politician’s Internal Dialogue
‘Oor Jeeza’s a complete bam, is he no?’
‘Contrariwise, tubby, he’s pure dead brilliant.’
‘He wisnae last week, fatty’
‘Aye, but now he’s got a mandate.’
‘He had a mandate before, chubby chops.’
‘Nohow! He didnae!’
‘Aye he did!’
‘Funcy a 2nd independence referendum, lard-arse?’
‘Fit aboot a seat on the NEC? We could vote for each other and we’ll baith get in.’
‘Ah canna believe your askin me this again. You should be coming awa wi SNP Bad.’
‘No a shouldnae!’
‘Aye ye should.’
‘Onywey, I’m no sitting on the same seat as you tubby.’
‘Well, I am, fatso.’
(Courtesy Ra Peepil’s Freend)