Doomed, doomed, we are really all doomed. The Cuddis Conclusions are in…

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Nicla welcomes new members to the Danish parliament

Where would we be, post election, without that damn’t fool Citizen Cuddis chipping in his tuppence worth of derivative hack analysis?

As Edwina Currie once told John Major—’Thank goodness that’s over’. Election 2016 has blown through town and into the history books. Though it didn’t feel like it, technically this election was a contest—in the same way that a boxing match between Mike Tyson and Charles Hawtrey would be a contest.

Given the convincing SNP win it is clear that Scotland needs the Liberal Democrats, Scottish Labour and the Scottish Conservative Party like a shepherd needs an inside toilet. Voting for any of these hapless halfwits turned out to be the most pointless act since the wife’s uncle Sandy spent a week’s wages on a monocle for his glass eye.

Willie Rennie celebrates taking his party to a triumphant top 5 place
Willie Rennie celebrates taking his party to a triumphant top 5 place

Many results did not require Nostradamus’s help to predict. The Scottish Liberal Democrats, for example, proved as popular with voters as a Morris dancing exhibition in Barlinnie’s Psychopathic Inmates Cabaret Club. Willie, surfing a wave of optimism which started and ended in his own imagination was always unlikely to gain enough seats to merit the purchase of a second Cinquecento to shuttle his MPs to and from Career Politicians Anonymous.

Much vaunted last-minute surges from voters swinging violently toward the also rans predictably failed to materialise. Voters on the doorstep can be fickle. Clearly, those doorstepped on the … well … on the doorstep, by packs of activists baying for their vote acted in accordance with human psychology—by saying one thing at their front door and voting otherwise in the booth.

On the day, at polling stations across the land, voters were distracted by the squawking kerfuffle of a veritable squadron of chickens coming home to roost as party leaders’ recent sins returned to haunt them.

Stuff that didn’t help Labour much

  • Pre-election, Kez ‘the lady’s not for resigning’ Dugdale, changed direction of travel more often than a midgie
  • Labour’s manifesto was lamer than a milk horse after 60 year’s cobble bashing
  • The manifesto was released so late in the day that they were handing copies out at polling stations with the voting slips
  • Kez’s democracy-free commitment to oppose a second independence referendum—even if the people of the Scottish lands voted in favour of one! 
  • The party’s previous determination to incubate and hatch the rotten Tory egg of PFI, and her breathtaking suggestion that, actually, a bad boy had introduced the lunatic finance scheme and then run away.

Stuff that didn’t help the LibDems much

  • Willie Rennie, still trying to get the last of the pig shit out of his turn-ups
  • ‘Honest Al’ Carmichael’s cack-handed attempts to smear oor Nicla
  • Willie Rennie conducting the Scottish Liberal Democrat choir in a verse or two of ‘For Carmichael’s a jolly good fellow.’
  • Their about-face on tuition fees that continues to hang about them like the smell of fox poop
  • Willie Rennie over-ruling his own party over fracking (see under ‘Strong leadership’)
Smells like...victory
Smells like…victory

Figuratively speaking, the six-man bobsled of The Scottish Liberal Democrat Party’s electoral chances swept into a heavily banked hairpin bend at completely the wrong angle, flew over the parapet at 180 mph and crashed through a chalet roof in an adjacent canton (Rockall).

They have been left with enough MPs to man not one but two pantomime horses. Multiple tweets across the twattersphere suggest these cuddies will race at Ayr with the winner becoming the next party leader. Whoever wins, they’ll need to be foolish enough to take on the job of leading the faithful out of the darkness and into oblivion.

Stuff that stopped the Tory advance from becoming a headlong rush 

  • The Tank Commander’s PR team ran out of livestock for her to mount for photo shoots
  • Ruth’s commitment to not winning. A target which she achieved by a huge margin. She will now single-handedly prevent a second referendum without the inconvenience of having to fight Kez for a turn at the microphone at FMQs

Stuff that stopped the SNP advance from being quite a majority

  • The true believers talking about crushing victories and second referendums before changing their mind and blaming the whole thing on a couple of left wing groups who couldn’t actually muster a vote
  • Nicla herself failing in her bid to have taken a selfie with the entire adult population of Scotland, simply because it turned out some of her fellow-snappers were in fact English tourists who had mistaken her for that actress from Borgen

Stuff that pushed Kez’s Labour into third place

  • On reflection we’ll just have a moment of prayer at this point…

(VERY SHORT PAUSE)

Thank heavens we can now return to what passes for normal in a post-referendum, Labour-imploding Scotland where Conservatives from both sides of the European schism heave at each other with pikestaffs and flailing maces in internecine frenzy…otherwise known as the In, Out or Shake it All About referendum. It’s Viagra for anoraks really…