Edinburgh Fringe performer offers advice to Duchess of Cambridge


EDINBURGH Fringe actor and comedian, Susan Swanton, has offered some words of wisdom to Kate Middleton.

Susan, who writes and stars in Mother F, a comedy drama about mothers at the Gilded Balloon, has some sage advice for the Duchess of Cambridge.

Mother F is a celebratory and touching comedy about everyone’s mothers.  It is about the most ordinary, wonderful, awful and beautiful mother in the world.  In the aftermath of their mother’s death, two sisters (Susan Swanton and Isabel Ford) come together to re-discover who she was whilst rummaging through her attic.

Mother F is a heady combination of new writing, witty choreography, sitcom, stand-up and cabaret.  The show is tender, irreverent, emotional and funny and is a fusion of touching drama, cabaret and hilarious stand-up comedy.

Susan’s Top Moterhood Tips for Kate:

  • Don’t read top tips for mothers.
  • Change the nappy, especially when the poo slides up their back to their hat.
  • Feed them.
  • Let them sleep when they want.
  • Burn all childcare books or any books that tell you what to do.  Or at the very least throw the book across the room.
  • Make up your own rules.  It’s your baby.  Don’t listen to anyone’s advice.  Trust your instincts.  Everyone seems to know the exact remedy for sleepless nights, colic, nappy rash, etc.  They don’t.
  • Walk away from other mothers who tell you that their baby has slept through the night since day one.  Forget them and their perfect lives.  They are lying.  Boastful mothers are a bore.
  • Everyone I know has accidentally dropped their baby from a sofa including myself.  I’m not saying do this deliberately.  If you need to leave the room, put them on the floor because they can’t fall off the floor.  Make sure you don’t leave the cat near their mat.  And don’t feel bad if this happens.  It’s an accident.
  • Keep sane by avoiding toddler’s groups.  They are run by fascist mums who used to have some corporate jobs and are very, very bossy about the keys to the hall, the tea bag supply, which biscuits etc.
  • Have a friend with no babies so that you can have an adult conversation.
  • If your baby cries, cuddle it.  Forget controlled crying, it will only drive you mad.
  • Carry your baby round in a papoose around the house so that you can make a cup of tea and do a wee (forget the no.  2 – there’s no time.)
  • Do your pelvic floor exercises so that you can jump on a trampoline and not wee when you laugh.
  • Breast feed so that you don’t have to faff around with sterilisers, formula, bottles, teats, etc, it’s just a palaver.  If in doubt, breasts out.  (And women, if you can’t breast feed or don’t want to that is your choice.  Don’t be bullied by the bossy crew.  Do what you want.)
  • Get a nanny, a PA, babysitter, personal trainer, let it all hang out, time out for yourself, a cleaner, go out to the cinema, watch box sets, make sure you have married or partnered a modern man/or woman who can cook and clean, and boss them around.   You be in charge.  Ask for help.
  • Eat ready made meals, chocolate, biscuits, take outs.  Eat what you like.  Who cares about baby weight? You’ve had a baby.  Let your body recover without the stress.
  • Love your baby.  It’s as simple as that.  It’s yours.  Enjoy.

Artistic director, Susan Swanton, added: “When I became a mother, I started to look at my own mother and the way I am mothering my own children and how baffling it all was.  I was interested in looking at all aspects of motherhood and how universal and yet, intrinsically individual these relationships are with our mothers. 

“What can we learn from out mothers? What has changed for the contemporary mother? Is motherhood different to diverse age groups and generations? And ultimately, what makes a good mother? What makes a bad mother?

“I want to put an honest representation of what motherhood is and pay tribute to all the types of mothers that are out there – good, bad and ugly.  The show will purge the senses, make you weep with laughter, cry with happiness and leave the theatre with a spring in your step, a song in your heart and… a ping pong ball in your pocket!”

Mother F, Gilded Balloon, Teviot Billiard Room, Bristo Sq Aug 3-26 (previews July 31- Aug 2)
2.45pm (one hour)