Fast Trains to London – Deal of the Century or What?

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By Ms Tick-Meg, our Resident Futurologist

BS2This week saw Westminster Transport Minister Baroness Kramer come north of the border to meet with newly-minted Secretary of State for Scotlandshire, Alistair Carmichaelmoore.

Unusually, and in stark contrast to the recent train of colleagues which preceded her, she came not to tell Scots what we are unable to do but rather to tell us what we are very much able to do – that is help pay for the new Breakneck Speed 2 train service from London to Birmingham.

By Ms Tick-Meg, our Resident Futurologist

BS2This week saw Westminster Transport Minister Baroness Kramer come north of the border to meet with newly-minted Secretary of State for Scotlandshire, Alistair Carmichaelmoore.

Unusually, and in stark contrast to the recent train of colleagues which preceded her, she came not to tell Scots what we are unable to do but rather to tell us what we are very much able to do – that is help pay for the new Breakneck Speed 2 train service from London to Birmingham.

While chatting with Mr Carmichaelmoore, she let it be known that a new UK government report was being drawn up which would show how Scotlandshire will benefit from BS2 to the tune of £3 billion per annum, beginning as early as AD 2345.

This revelation follows the publication of the 125th iteration of the business case for BS2, which shows cutting the train journey from Birmingham to London by several actual minutes is actually a really really good thing and well worth all the money it is going to cost.

Speaking after the chat, Mr Carmichaelmoore told this channel, “BS2 is a fantastic project which Scotlandshire should be proud to support.

hs2 routemap2012“Once the important part of the line is finished, around the middle of the next century, we will begin construction of phase II which will see the line extended to Leeds and Manchester. This will have a dual benefit.

“Firstly, it will allow BBC executives forced to work in Manchester to commute from London so they don’t need to live there.

“Secondly, it will make it easier for Home Secretary Teresa May to deport all those little brown people who seem to have settled all over Yorkshire.

“And as a long term resident of London, I can tell you that Yorkshire is very nearly in Scotlandshire, so it will be a real benefit to Scots as well.”

On her return to London, Baroness Kramer told our Scotlandshire correspondent, Lucinda Boolsin-Mooth, “The new BS2 project will bring three very real opportunities to Scotlandshire.

“A: Scots will be given the opportunity to contribute a large part of the estimated £80 billion cost of the first 2 phases, leading to a renewed overpay singlepride in their contribution to the infrastructure of Great Britain.

“B: There will be no Barnett consequentials from the project spend, leading to twicepay doublepride, whilst avoiding the potential overheating of the Scottish economy as the Great British oil in the Atlantic comes on stream.

“And C: The construction of the third phase connecting t’ North with Scotlandshire will be a devolved matter, allowing Scots to meet the cost of this part in full. Offrip cashsteal triplepride!”

When asked how the figure of £3 billion in annual benefits was arrived at, the Minister explained,

“The calculation is quite simple. Once Westminster Bankers (no Spoonerism intended) realise they can live in the Edinburgh New Town and commute to the City of London, property prices in North Edinburgh will increase by £10 billion per year. Subtract the £7 billion in lost business when the city empties as residents try to avoid the incoming Wunch of Bankers and you have it.”

[ED: Are you sure that’s the correct collective noun, Ms Tick-Meg?]


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BBC in Scotlandshire (the spoof one) : Transport Minister: Scotland will ‘benefit’ from HS2


This article was originally published in BBC Scotlandshire, your national state broadcaster.