Federalists, Unionists, Devolutionists and a Bawbag

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By G.A.Ponsonby
 
Well it’s out, the anti-independence campaign has finally revealed the collective term for their group of Federalists, Unionists and Devolutionists  – FUD, the Elmer sort (trademark Rab NcNeil).
 
In the week that witnessed a Bawbag cause some confusion at BBC Scotland (Hurricane Bawbag that is) the nation’s apparent fondness for nether region based euphemisms is an apt inspiration for the pro-Union campaign nomenclature.

By G.A.Ponsonby
 
Well it’s out, the anti-independence campaign has finally revealed the collective term for their group of Federalists, Unionists and Devolutionists  – FUD, the Elmer sort (trademark Rab NcNeil).
 
In the week that witnessed a Bawbag cause some confusion at BBC Scotland (Hurricane Bawbag that is) the nation’s apparent fondness for nether region based euphemisms is an apt inspiration for the pro-Union campaign nomenclature.

FUDs-are-us emerged for real when Michael Moore admitted that he no longer considered himself a Unionist. 

“I’m a Federalist not a Unionist” proclaimed Michael in echoes of Patrick McGoohan’s famous character in The Prisoner.  One wondered if Moore had just woken up to the fact that he was trapped in a Tory village carrying out orders that were completely at odds with his Lib Dem principles.

Moore was just back from a trip to Brazil where he managed to drum up some ambivalence and apathy using all the advantages that the UK’s diplomatic clout could muster.  Moore’s charm is rumoured to have had the same effect on UK/Brazilian relations as the UK’s previous Brazilian envoy – Ronnie Biggs.

But whilst Moore hops from blunder to blunder, in between reading out his own political suicide note – aka the press releases helpfully handed to him by his Tory bosses, UK PM David Cameron has enjoyed similar diplomatic successes.

Dave decided the best way for the UK to proceed in these times of economic uncertainty is to stick two fingers up to the rest of Europe.

The Prime Fuddite walked into a meeting with Europe’s leaders hoping to gain some concessions that would allow less (i.e. no) financial regulation on the City of London.  His chances of success in Europe are now roughly equal to that of Scottish football teams.

Dave’s negotiating tactic was to tell everyone that he wouldn’t sign up to any agreement unless London was allowed to do as it pleases.  I’ll agree to the rules just as long as I don’t have to abide by them, was Dave’s offer.

So, basically Dave wants the financial institutions in London’s Square Mile to remain unencumbered by regulation that might serve to prevent a repeat of the excesses that caused the financial crisis we are currently enduring.

It was the Mafia in reverse, with the Fudfather making them an offer they had to refuse.  The Fudfather held a gun to his own head whilst walking backwards out of the room.

A masterstroke, Dave walked in with nothing and he walked out with nothing – only now Europe’s leaders hate him even more than before.  Well all except Hungary who also refused to sign.  This was separatism Westminster style, isolationalism Unionist style and negotiation Marx Brothers style.

Senior Tory, and former cabinet Minister, Michael Hezeltine claimed that the Fudfather’s behaviour had left the UK adrift in the Atlantic in a canoe.  If they keep on printing pound notes to cover up the UK’s own debt crisis then that too will be heading for capsize – and guess who’s anchored to that UK canoe? – yep, Scotland.

Cameron was backed on Friday by coalition buddy Nick Clegg, who within 48 hours had did that Lib Dem thing and changed his mind completely and now thinks the Fudfather’s performance wasn’t that great after all.

Cameron’s brinkmanship is the kind that leads to uncertainty and causes markets to tremble as investors head for gold, the stuff that former Fudfather Gordon Brown sold at rock bottom prices.

Gordon’s currently trying to ‘force’ the MoD to clean up the radioactive contamination at Dalgety Bay.  Alas as a humble MP he has no power, if only had had done something for his own constituency when he did have the power.  Now why is the word Bawbag springing to mind again?

But back to the current bawb… I mean Fudfather and his Euro antics.  Euro uncertainty isn’t the pretend ‘referendum uncertainty’ that BBC Scotland and other Unionists tell us about every week, this is real uncertainty that can lead to global meltdown.

Labour leader, and fellow Fuddite, Ed Miliband complained that Dave’s failure to negotiate means that the UK will now be left out in the cold when key decisions on Europe are made.  A bit like the situation Scotland has endured for decades then, eh Ed?

Up here in Jockland, Ed’s tartan branch are now in the twenty third month of a five year contest to replace Iain Gray as leader; the contest started the day Gray became leader.  Gray, the original (and still the best) FUD of all, displayed all of his fud-like qualities on Thursday at FMQs where Nicola Sturgeon took on the role of teacher to Gray’s unruly child.

It wasn’t the exorable questions from Gray that had the audience shaking their head, but the adolescent hand gestures he made towards the Deputy FM as she attempted to answer his questions.

If you haven’t seen Gray’s performance then do so (11 mins in) – and remember that this man was being touted by our Scottish media for nearly a year as the certain next First Minister of Scotland.

Gray seems to have no concept of dignity as his final days as the Scottish government’s chief inquisitor loom.

But what of his budding replacements? 

Tom Harris, Johann Lamont and Ken Macintosh had a contender’s debate this week on Newsnight Scotland, where each tried to outdo the others in dissing the SNP. 

It was the political equivalent of the X-Factor auditions with three ‘screamers’ convinced they have what it takes, then perform as viewers fall about laughing at their delusion.

Their big ideas to persuade Scottish voters to embrace Labour included building new nuclear power plants and hiking up the council tax.  In other words, more Fuddism.

In the mind of the FUD, these policies are vote winners – even after the Scottish electorate have just rejected them.  Today having admitted that the Labour show is going nowhere until it accepts it is ‘rubbish’ Harris effectively voted himself off.

But the best example of Fuddery is surely the hapless Danny Alexander who seems to have completely forgotten which party he is a member of and which country his constituency is in.

In a long speech yesterday, Alexander launched the now ubiquitous attack on the SNP, this time over what currency an independent Scotland might want to use. 

Calling the SNP’s option of keeping the pound immediately following independence ‘the sterlingization mechanism’ (eh?), Dan complained that this would leave Scotland with no say over interest rates and other decisions made in London.

In other words, exactly what happens now.

Thus, independence will mean Scotland is no worse off in that regard, but crucially will have her hands on all of the other fiscal levers currently reserved to Westminster.

We might even be capable of re-establishing a relationship with Europe, the one that the Fudfather is currently trying to destroy.