by Paul Kavanagh
The gloves are off, and it’s only been a few days since the referendum campaign got started in earnest. The Unionists are getting down and dirty, but so far have only succeeded in dirtying themselves and doing their own case down.
Biggest loser so far, apart from David Cameron, is third rate loser Tom Harris MP who according to the Sun has been forced to resign his “new technology” role after posting an offensive Nazi video to youtube this weekend. Tom has experience in being a loser, so this should not be new to him. Tom’s big problem is that he thinks he’s funny – that’s funny haha not funny peculiar, although many of us would agree with the second definition.
Tom gets very upset about misrepresentation by independence supporters, so let’s be clear, it’s not me who thinks he’s a third rate loser, I wouldn’t be so generous. It’s members of his own party. Third rate loser Tom, or 3T for short, only managed to struggle into a poor last place in Labour’s recent leadership election, trailing way behind behind such sterling luminaries and blazing talents as Johann “you gotta laff” Lamont, and Wossisname – thon bloke whose name and face no one can recall, not even Ed Miliband. Even the Labour party doesn’t want to listen to 3T, so it’s not really clear why he thinks anyone else will.
Tom’s now managed to lose Labour’s leadership race booby prize. He was named their digital meeja guru because he knows all sort of clever things that are outwith the competence of his colleagues, like how to switch on a laptop and get his dongle to spring into life. Playing with his dongle in the privacy of his bedroom is Tom’s forte. But sadly his Internet skills are not quite what they’re made out to be, as he obviously can’t look up dictionary.com to find out what ‘hypocrite’ means.
Tom, who spent the leadership campaign greetin about how cybernats are nasty and say uncalled-for things, proved his own high moral standards by posting a video on YouTube likening Alex Salmond and the SNP government to Hitler in the bunker during the fall of Berlin. The same man who pursed his pettit lip when folk likened Unionists to sell-outs thinks it’s a bit of a giggle to call Alex Salmond a Nazi. Perhaps we ought to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he only posted the video in a desperate attempt to get Johann Lamont to crack a smile. That would be understandable.
The video was posted in reply to remarks made on Twitter by Joan Macalpine, who said that the Unionist parties had been anti-Scottish in their recent behaviour. Unionists were as outraged as a News of the World journalist accused of phone hacking. Trying to subvert the democratic will of the Scottish people isn’t anti-Scottish at all, it’s really a patriotic response by well meaning people who know what’s best for us poor benighted Scots. We’re just too dim witted to appreciate their efforts. 3T doesn’t like being called an Uncle Tom.
But let’s examine Uncle Tom’s foray into political satire. Admittedly this runs the risk of all attempts to examine humour. It’s like dissecting a frog, no one’s really that interested and the frog dies. But Uncle Tom’s toadery isn’t funny anyway, that frog croaked it a long time ago, around the time that he voted to invade Iraq in an attempt to ram himself even further up Tony Blair’s fundament. Perhaps Tom doesn’t realise that an internet troll isn’t a species of amphibian.
Hitler Downfall spoofs have been doing the rounds for years. They are a favourite medium for those who’re too lazy and unimaginative to think up their own jokes. Prior to the Holyrood elections last year some Tory cooncilor posted a very similar Hitler’s Downfall video about the SNP. A Labour spokesbod said at the time that it was childish and made the Tory guy look like a bit of a plonker. Hope you’re listening Tom.
However it’s easy to see why Uncle Tom was attracted to the notion. A tired rehash of an old joke that’s been done to death, using second hand material ripped off from someone else, sounds like a metaphor for the Labour party.
Meanwhile the Save the Union campaign continues to plumb new depths of inanity. If this is Cameron’s respect agenda Christ knows what contempt looks like. There’s now a special department in Westminster devoted to thinking up stories to scare folk whose brains have fallen out because they forgot to do up the buttons at the back of their heids. This tactic is doomed to failure, as all such people are currently elected members of the Unionist parties.
The Ministry of Defence wants us to believe that an independent Scotland would have to foot the bill for a new nuclear missile base if we turf them out of Faslane after independence. A bit like a squatter with multiple ASBOs demanding that the cooncil buys them a new hoose after they’ve been served with an eviction notice for crapping in the garden and storing toxic waste in the lobby. It will cost billions to relocate Westminster’s radioactive penis-substitutes. Though why we’re supposed to care about the fate of Unionist MPs wasn’t explained.
In an interview with the Guardian, Alistair Darling told us how Scotland would be too poor to go it alone. It was the same auld guff about banks and Iceland that we’ve all heard a million times before and have long since stopped paying heed to. We’re supposed to have forgotten that it was Ali and his pal Goddon (never knowingly pronounce an r) who let the bankers run riot in the first place. Basically what Ali’s argument boiled down to was that Scotland shouldn’t be independent because it’s got irresponsible politicians like him.
The article was accompanied by a disturbing photie which Ali’s advisors must have telt him made him look pure dead sophisticatit. With his jaiket over his shoulder, he looked more like a model in a catalogue for older men’s clothing, the ones where you can buy trousers with a waistband that goes up to your oxters. He had one eyebrow slightly raised, in an expression that was meant to look quizzical and knowing, but sadly it only succeeded in making him look like his Y-fronts were wedged firmly up his sheuch. Possibly the positive case for the Union was lurking there as well, but we’ll never know.
Paddington Mundell kept up his sterling efforts to recruit as many people as possible to the independence camp by announcing that Holyrood wouldn’t be allowed to use the electoral register. Holyrood will only be allowed to use the same information available to marketing companies, the same people who phone you up and ask if you shop at Tescos or Asda and do you prefer Heinz baked beans or supermarket own brand. Paddington wants question on the ballot for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Referendum to read: Do you prefer a) the full fat cat Union, or b) a low fat dairy spread?
George Osborne, who’s forgotten that Scotland currently owns a share of the misnamed Bank of England, said that Scotland wouldn’t be allowed to use the pound after independence. Though how George can prevent a Scottish Treasury pegging the Scottish currency on a par with the pound he didn’t say. Many countries in Latin America and the Caribbean have managed to peg their currencies to the US dollar without asking Washington’s permission. Maybe George will change interest rates every half hour in an attempt to play hide and seek with the new Scottish central bank.
But none of the Unionist scaremongering and temper tantrums work anymore. Those belong to the days when people thought the Sunday Post was a bastion of serious journalism and Lib Dems had principles. Now the scaremongering just elicits our giggles and derision. When people start to laugh at you, the game’s pretty much up.