McBoffins at the Heedrum Hodrum Collider and Frankenstein politics


Frankenstein Politics

McBoffins at Paisley’s Heedrum Hodrum Collider (recently twinned with Laboratoire Garnier’s Clachnacudden facility) have embarked on what may be the institute’s most ambitious project to date—sponsored by the Scottish Labour Party. Institute Director Klaus Vier explained the situation to our science correspondent, Eddy Currents, when they met recently in the Collider’s cafe.


‘The chemistry is well known, Eddy,’ said Professor Vier. ‘Your basic Slab politician is eight parts hypocrisy and fifty-two percent hot air, held together with a slack handful of minerals. What we didn’t know until recently is whether we could construct a Slab politician from scratch using random body parts. You’ve heard of Frankenstein science? Well this is Frankenstein politics.’

‘It started with a letter from Kezia Dugdale stating that Slab’s 2016 manifesto would not be released until twenty minutes before the polls opened. Apparently—as the letter made plain—this was because, after they’d filled the document with every idea they had in the bag, they still had eight blank pages. They’d tried increasing the body font to 36pt, but this still left 6 empty pages.’


‘In the end they settled for filling the yawning gap with false Latin. Lorem ipsum dolor—that sort of thing—praying that voters would mistake it for Gaelic. Clearly Slab had paddled their way to the top of Poop Creek on this issue and that’s when we decided to respond to their cry for help.’

‘Duggers letter ended with a simple but desperate plea: ‘Build me an electable MSP’. Apparently they only have the other sort left. From that moment the race was on to cobble together a political Behemoth, a left-of-centre Golem to lead an electoral charge in the vanguard of the forefront of an orgy of last-minute Slab voting.’


‘Security around the project was tighter than a mallard’s sphincter. Consequently, anyone found leaking information risked draconian discipline. As you know, the Home Secretary recently compelled all HR departments in the Commercial Sector to emulate the Saudi Arabian justice model when disciplining employees (as a homage to a great UKOK trading partner).

Though we stopped short of chapping any heids aff, a couple of apprentice lab assistants did clype to the Daily Record and were each subjected to 50 wedgies and a Chinese burn.’

‘The project was funded by one of Labour’s Wonga-style PFI deals complete with weasel-worded clauses holding the SNP responsible, should anything go wrong.’

‘In assembling the monster from several cadavers we still had in the freezer from an earlier experiment we aimed to include the outstanding features from the best of this Slab generation. We drew inspiration from Jackie Baillie’s classy chassis, Goggsie Broon’s good eye, Murphy’s chutzpah and—for sex-appeal—Alistair Darling’s eyebrows.’

‘Alas, the clock of the sands of time ran against us and we fell short of the ideal by several light-years. The result was a cyclops with Irn Bru crates in lieu of shoes, wearing a T-shirt with ‘Too wee, Too Poor, Too stupid’ on the front and ‘I’m Not Programmed to Understand Politics’ on the back.’

‘However, we knew we had a successful simulation on our hands when we showed the creature slides of arses and elbows and it was unable to tell the difference.’

30 Amp fuse

‘When Herr Frankenstein tried this in the old days he harnessed the power of lightning to bring his monster into the world. We didn’t have time to wait for a storm. We had to find another way. It didn’t take long.’

‘The Collider is powered by 1970’s style electric storage heaters running on off-peak electricity—the type that contain enough bricks to build a kitchen extension. You know the ones: they have the same efficiency rating as a bus with square wheels and an empty fuel tank. So we yanked the 30 amp fuse out of the Collider’s fuse board and diverted the power to jump leads we’d attached to the monster’s lugs.’

‘What happened when you switched on the power?’ Our reporter asked.

‘Well, street lights across the metropolis of Paisley dipped momentarily, if that’s what you mean, and the monster sprang to life.’

‘How optimistic are you that the creature will get the votes so desperately needed?,

The professor looked grave. ‘Bearing in mind that a recent You Governor survey suggested most Scots would rather pull their brains out through their ear drum with a crotchet hook than vote Labour, you will understand how shocked we were to learn of Slab’s plan to attach castors to the Behemoth and roll the hoor up the M8 into the nearest list seat.’


‘I think it’ll all end in tears,’ the professor concluded. ‘The monster’s popularity rating, although above that of David Cameron is below that of Vlad the Impaler and Dr Crippen. ‘Put it like this: all things considered, I predict that Slab has as much chance of gaining power at Holyrood as teet-a-bo becoming an Olympic sport.’

Citizen Cuddis