Newsnet Scotland Letters’ Highlight

13
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AN OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO ALEX PORTER’S ARTICLE ON “NORWAY”{jcomments on}

Norway? No, no, my dear chap. I’ve never heard of it. It’s clearly a product of your own over-active imagination – a plaything of foolish, childish fantasies.

You should focus on the “Arc of Insolvency”, now that’s the ticket! You must mention that Iceland, Ireland and all these other little insignificant countries are bankrupt. Remember, there’s absolutely no hope for small nations in the real world. Consider the UK which is strong and powerful, a mighty empire sailing sedately into the furture, with cream teas and crumpets for all. Also, Britain has the world’s best political system and the world’s strongest democracy.

So enough of this Norway nonsense. If you insist on carrying on like this, those rebellious Scots might think they could do better on their own. They’ll want north sea oil next, or a written Constitution, or their own seat in the UN. That would never do. Besides, just think of all the prime shooting and fishing territory being overrun by natives who have the audacity to think they own the place! A horrific thought indeed.

The deluded notion of independence, is in any case, highly impractical. Where would we put the nuclear bases, for a start? It would raise all sorts of terribly complicated issues about passports and postage stamps and things.

One of the reasons that the fictitious country of “Norway” cannot exist is that it would be impossible to reach it from Sweden – as we all know, it is physically impossible for one independent country to have a land border with another, especially when they are neighbours. Moreover, the people of an independent Scotland would have to speak Norwegian, a made-up language even more preposterous than the barbarous noises made by that Carwyn Jones fellow (he’s Scottish Minister, isn’t he, or something like that?). So please, never mention Norway again.

Instead, you should put your journalistic efforts into supporting the London Olympics and the Royal Wedding, both of which promise to bring hope and joy to all loyal British people in these bleak, but necessary and unavoidable, days of fiscal austerity.

Yours,

Sir Bumpington-Smythe CBE,
British Bulldog Corporation,
Shepherd’s Bush,
London.

PS. We’ve been having a little trouble in Afghanistan, couldn’t send some fellows to do a spot of dying for us, could you? And please could you wear those pretty tartan skirts, they look ever so marvellous on the television.

 


W. Elliot Bulmer
Dunblane