Only a year to go…

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By Derek Bateman
 
At last … there are only 365 days left before Scots answer the most momentous question of our time which will have long-lasting repercussions for democracy in these islands – what will happen to Jim Murphy after independence?
 
While the national focus has been on constitutional change and the economy, the political parties and the army of camp followers they employ are obsessed with a bigger question … will I have a job?

“It’s beginning to dawn on Unionists that their meal ticket will be withdrawn,” said an insider. “Don’t forget that many of these people went into politics as a career because they couldn’t do a real job, they had pals who got them in and there is nowhere else they can earn the same with a pension and expenses.  Look at the holidays.  You’d have to be a teacher to get a longer break.  And the truth is that at Westminster there is literally nothing to do any more.”

This is personified best by Jim Murphy who was a student leader who stood as a makeweight contender against Allan Stewart in 1997 and won as Scotland turned against every Tory.  He was an accidental MP.  Now through no fault of his own, he will be unemployed and there are few openings for middle-aged student leaders.

“Since he is an enthusiastic supporter of nuclear weapons, he could get a job as a fitter at Faslane”, said the source. “In order to pick up the big money as an adviser to the arms manufacturers you have to have credibility…”

The problem for many of the MPs is that their hysterical tirades demeaning Scotland and the Scots make them unemployable in an independent Scotland. “You couldn’t even set up a PR or lobbying firm and get any business.” He said. The first thing a business client would say is: Aren’t you the guy who said the economy would collapse and business would leave if we voted Yes?”

There is evidence that a clutch of long serving MPs are seeking a seat in the Lords as these are created through patronage not democracy. “Thank God for an unelected House,” said a Labour MP.

A charity – DoYouKnowWhoIAm.com – is being established to help concerned Members.  The public is being asked to come up with ideas for alternative careers.

“We’ve already had applications for help,” said the charity. “Letters arrived from Alan Reid, Russell Brown, Iain McKenzie, Mike Crockart, Thomas Docherty, Gemma Doyle, Michael McCann, Gregg McClymont, Ann McKechin, Graeme Morrice, Ian Murray, Fiona O’Donnel, James Sheridan and 20 others. The problem is that we don’t know who any of these people are and they can’t prove they’ve ever done anything in politics. In fact we’re sure some of them are imposters. “

Independence may mean we never hear of these people again.  Which is why, critics say, it’s important to vote Yes in a year’s time. “It’s a pity we have to wait,” said a Yes campaign spokesman.

* I have received a message from Better Together. It says: “F**k off you Nationalist c**t. When are you going to give back the licence fee money you stole while pushing SNP propaganda?” It was accompanied by a Smiley Face which proves the team are trying really hard to lose that negative image.

Courtesy of Derek Bateman