Sturgeon on cuts

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BraveheartBy Withered Vine, BBC Scotlandshire’s London Fashion and New Trends Correspondent

At the Natz annual Braveheart convention in Perth, Deputy Eck, Nicola Sturgeon, made a devastating attack on the cuts being made in the UK, and warned that there was worse to come.

The attack came in the opening part of her speech, which was only audible to those in the hall, because some numptie from the spoof channel was rabitting on over it in the TV broadcast.

By Withered Vine, BBC Scotlandshire’s London Fashion and New Trends Correspondent

BraveheartAt the Natz annual Braveheart convention in Perth, Deputy Eck, Nicola Sturgeon, made a devastating attack on the cuts being made in the UK, and warned that there was worse to come.

The attack came in the opening part of her speech, which was only audible to those in the hall, because some numptie from the spoof channel was rabitting on over it in the TV broadcast.

We can now exclusively reveal those lost words.

“Delegates”, she said, “I am dumbfoonered.

“I was told by Brian Taylor (he of chins and galluses fame) that I would be rubbished by the media were I to fail to be Braveheart enough.  So I took time off from campaigning for Braveheart Shirley-Anne Somerville and went to a local hairstylist (or barber as they are known in Fife) and asked for a ‘Mel’.

“Look what the wee bastirt did to me!

“The Tory cuts have been dreadful for many folk, but the Torryburn cut was the unkindest one of all.

“I’d like to thank the Eck clone who introduced me with those kind words.  The others will be entertaining diplomats, giving a big speech on Saturday and giving TV interviews.  The boss man, meanwhile, is busy trying to stop the dunderheids on both sides at Grangemouth from closing the plant.

“John Swinney says we won’t have enough cash to nationalise the refinery till after independence, as we’ve had to buy Prestwick first – and he won’t have another spare £ until he gets next year’s pocket money.”

Fortunately, Sturgeon showed a brief touch of compassion in her speech.  Obviously she had understood that only the Prime Minister’s dyspepsia has prevented him debating with Dictator Eck.  Sympathetically she said, “The Prime Minister says he will fight against independence with his head, heart, body and soul. So there you have it, Scotland – it is only David Cameron’s guts that are letting him down.”

However, Ms Sturgeon failed to recognise that our beloved PM mentioned nothing about his ears or mouth – key assets that are needed when debating. This woman who would be Queen of a separate Scotlandshire seems somewhat illiterate about basic human anatomy.

Personally, I thought her new haistyle and outfit were very suitable, She doesn’t need to look good now anyway : she’s a married woman and should really have learned that “independence” isn’t the natural state for women. We should be dependent on men. I’ve depended on hundreds of men, again and again (Damn! Can’t get that Blazin’ Saddles song out of my mind), and intend to be dependent under quite a few of the kilts I see here. [Ed – You’re also supposed to be reporting on the section of her speech which dealt with energy : Withered – What I do takes a helluva lot of energy!]

OK. In her speech, Sturgeon also promised that in a separatist Scotlandshire, the cost of energy saving improvements and capital investment in renewables and transmission upgrades would be transferred from energy bills, and paid for out of general taxation. For some reason that got lots of applause.

ukok-jumpersAfter her speech, she seemed nonplussed when interviewed by a reporter from BBC London who asked a penetrating question. [Ed – STOP IT!] “Don’t you realise that such a move will just transfer the cost to taxpayers?” he demanded. Viewers will have been puzzled by her response that it was a good thing that poor people, who pay little or no tax, would be more able to heat their homes, while richer people could afford to pay a bit more to keep the lights on. My London colleague and I were left wondering “What kind of people are these Natz?”

Surely it’s obvious that scroungers like old people, who just sit around their house all day with the heating on, should pay for their lifestyle choice. After all, I don’t expect them to pay my gym fees, or share the cost of buying my extensive underwear collection extensive collection of underwear.

If I need warming up, I just wear another thong (or take one off). These scroungers just need to listen to the wise advice of our Prime Minister, and wear another jumper. Mr Cameron does that every time that he can’t afford to pay his energy bill, although that is rare nowadays since the taxpayer is more than happy to pay his bills for him

It might just be that Londoners will never understand how the Scotch think. Fortunately, there are some up here who understand that the civilised metropolitan attitude is the correct one. Anus Sarwar who is a Labour MP (it’s always difficult to remember that in Scotlandshire “Labour” is the term used to describe what we call Conservatives in London) tweeted this “It doesn’t make sense to shift cost of heating your home from bill to your payslip”. That was enthusiastically retweeted by one of his MSP colleagues Kezia Dugdale. That there are still loyal right-wing Tories in Scotlandshire (whatever they call themselves*) gives me hope for the splittist referendum.

BBC Scotlandshire attempted to contact JoJo Lamont for comment but late payment of the secret bunker electricity bill had resulted in her being cut off from the real world.

* “Tartan Tories” would be a good description for Anus, Kez et al – bet no one in Scotlandshire has thought up a clever name like that!

UPDATE

Delighted to see lots of “Tartan Tories” like Michael McMahon MSP also tweeting Anus’s clever phrase “SNP plan to move cost of energy from your energy bill to your payslip”. It’s really pleasing to see so may of them confirming that they don’t give a shit about those with energy bills but no payslip.


Related Articles

Uncyclopedia : Scottish National Party

Telegraph : Downing Street: People faced with rising energy bills should consider wearing jumpers

This article was first published by BBC Scotlandshire, your state broadcaster.