Collider survey: Are you an undiagnosed Conservative?

Achiltibuie Hughie brings Newsnet.scot an exclusive report from Paisley. Citizen Cuddis typed up the details of from Hughie’s breathless shorthand

A shocking discovery rocked Paisley’s scientific community to its foundations last night resulting in the rushed publication of a diagnostic quiz authored by the Heedrum-Hodrum Collider’s Professor Klaus Vier.

Boffins at the Collider’s Political Science Unit in Paisley suggest that 9.3 million Labour voters are in fact undiagnosed Conservatives. “There’s no cure for Conservatism,” the professor told Achiltibuie Hughie, Newsnet.scot’s roving reporter. “Especially early-onset Conservatism which is endemic at Eton and Harrow.”

Are you at risk?

Answer the multiple choice questions below and check your score to find out if you are just playing in the one nation sandbox or if you have gone completely Rees-Moggy. You may find the following definitions helpful in preparing for the test. Good luck.

Poverty: A lifestyle choice made by benefit addicts who can’t turn up to JSA appointments on time. The sort of Jeremy Kyle Show fodder who binge-watch Prison Break, have more than two children, and hang about fixed odds betting terminals waiting for Jim Murphy to deliver them from evil.

Affluence: A Tory birthright. What every hard-working person should aspire to attain. Non hard-working people include the poor, the disabled, those on Job Seeker’s Allowance and anyone taking out more than they put in, all of whom deserve to starve.

Neoliberalism: A system based on three core beliefs:

• That only those au fait with the rules of the Eton Wall Game should be eligible to govern

• That a farthing paid to a scrounger (a poor person) is a farthing overspent

• That pampering the greedy financiers who pulled the wheels off the clown’s car of capitalism in 2008, causing it to veer into a ditch, all horns parping, is the best way to get the economy back on its feet

QUESTIONS

Question 1:

Read the following parable of the Good Samaritan.

Joe Soap is waylaid as he tries to get to a better life. His attacker—a fat man with a head like a bowling ball, the scruples of Fagin and known only by the initials IDS—strips him of tax credits and housing benefit and walks away. Joe lies face down outside a Job Centre Plus sans dignity, self-respect, hope, aspiration or bus fare home.

Three people pass the recumbent figure. Harriet Harman, Wullie Rennie and George Osborne.

Harriet Harman tells the man that she’d like to help but the Labour Party is not the party of ne’er do wells who spend their ill-gotten welfare payments on Internet bingo, use their winnings to buy scratch cards, and spend any profits on bottles of Wicked.

Next, Willie Rennie walks past, spots Joe and shouts, “There’s been a murder! Arrest John Swinney.”

Finally, George Osborne strolls up and kicks Joe in the tripe.

Hearing Joe’s cries, DWP staff spill out of the Job Centre Plus offices. The manager tells Joe, “You won’t find a job lying about on the street, pal”. He ducks back into the office and pushes the secret button under his desk which immediately sanctions Joe for the next 48 weeks.

Which of the players acted most ethically?

1. A. IDS. Because lying spreadeagled across the pavement wont bring the deficit down. Nor is it fair that those indulging in this sort of behaviour get more in benefits than a hard working person from a hard working family gets for … well, working hard.
2. B. Willie Rennie. Because despite the complete lack of evidence that the SNP was responsible, they’re guilty of everything else, so why not this?
3. C. Harriet Harman.  Because Tory policies can’t be all bad. Some are good. In fact, some are great. They’re all great if you ask Harriet.

Question 2:

Which of the following, in your opinion, is the most progressive action?

1. A. Redefine ‘child poverty’ to exclude ‘not having enough money to stave of rickets or scurvy’ as part of the classification. A poor man is, after all, just a rich man without dosh. We’re all in this together.
2. B. Cap benefits for scroungers at ten bob a week unless they take up unpaid grouse beating to help the landed gentry disadvantaged by Scottish land reform, make up for loss of revenues.
3. C. Amend English fox-hunting law to prohibit the killing of foxes. Then permit the hunting down with hounds of food bank attendees and the long-term unemployed and third children.

Question 3 (To be answered by poor people only):

You have already tightened your belt so much your face is turning blue. But you’ll have to ditch something when the tax credit rug is wrenched from under your feet.

Which of the following economy measures do you most favour?

1. A. Saving electricity by watching Coronation Street with the sound off.
2. B. Reducing visits to the chip shop to once a quarter and sending child number three to bed early so you don’t have to buy him a Jumbo Sausage supper (a saving of £4.50).
3. C. Switching food suppliers. Moving your weekly order of 250 chicken nuggets for £1.99 from Fred’s Frozen Foods to Arthur’s Arctic Cabin where the same big value offer is 8p cheaper (a saving of…8p).

Question 4 (To be answered by rich people only):

Shortly, the money stolen from society’s most vulnerable will be redistributed to your bank account.

On what do you think you are most likely to squander your windfall?

A. Sending Georgina, Felicity and Cormack to Mah Jong lessons

B. Re-shoeing the polo ponies

C. Buying another one of those things you hang bananas on so they last longer

SCORING

Award yourself 10 points for each ‘A’ answer.

RESULTS

For a 345-page analysis of your answers, write to Professor Vier at the Heedrum-Hodrum Collider in Paisley.

It helps if you can make a voluntary donation to his bank account in the British Virgin Isles (details on request).