Wheety-Tweety Cornflakes this week launch their Foster an Imposter appeal to help find foster homes for former Scottish Labour politicians. We sent Citizen Cuddis to get hold of one of their marketing leaflets…
Wheety-Tweety hope to build on their recent success in encouraging the public to adopt warthogs, hyaenas, skunks and Egyptian dungfish, by advertising on the back of cereal packets.
Many Labour politicians were abandoned by callous constituents who, with only 10 years’ warning, voted for other parties in enormous numbers at the General Election. Some majorities disappeared like snow off a hot tin roof, leaving these creatures abandoned and bewildered on the edge of the Westminster jungle still dressed in their SNPBAD onesies.
Could you offer a Labour politician a roof over his head until his party is re-electable again? Can you talk shite—their native language? Could you react compassionately to their lies, spin, moral vacuity, disregard for the electorate and breathtaking arrogance?
Did you know that there are now more dwarf-tailed lemurs, shovel-bottomed whoopers and Cormack’s gype-thrushes in Scotland than labour MPs? Or that the next ice-age may well have buried Kirkcaldy under a kilometre of ice before they get back into power?
Foster an imposter and, in some cases you will be helping to save a party in danger of extinction in Scotland. Worryingly, for example, the Greater Gregarious Murphy, notoriously un-shy, has not been sighted since the General Election; not a cheep. This species seems to have vanished overnight, leaving the victims of fixed-odds betting terminals to fend for themselves, their champion gone, perhaps forever. The Murphy, in common with the platypus duck, is a life form in a class of its own—one lays eggs, the other gets pelted with them.
Though not available for adoption quite yet, it is surely only a matter of time before the Great Fluffy and the Orcadian Carmichael are also endangered. The Carmichael is already teetering on the edge. There is an online application form for fostering these rara avis but no takers yet.
What’s in it for me?
As a foster carer you will get a Labour politician who:
1. Is less trouble than a tree full of monkeys
2. Fills in all his own expenses claims, often in triplicate
3. Is more entertaining than a cow
4. Is house trained (both chambers)
Fostering a Tory politician already? No problem. Your new Labour politician will make the perfect buddy. They have proved capable of a loving and supportive relationship over many years.
Plus, you’ll receive a free gift pack containing:
A free Broons annual and a copy of the Labour Party’s 2015 manifesto—both equally hilarious. If we run out of Labour manifestos you will receive a Tory manifesto in its place; these are virtually interchangeable.
A 1/2 scale polystyrene foam replica of Ed Miliband’s commitments headstone
A life-sized polystyrene foam replica of Ed Miliband (For a small extra payment we can offer our exclusive pre-skip deal, where we dump Ed’s effigy at the landfill site of your choice to save you doing it).
A leatherette effect bedside compendium of broken Labour promises (Volumes 1-15)
A free cuddly toy. You’ll get the limited edition ‘Little Jimmy Murphy’ in a choice of football tops—also useful for warding off evil spirits—along with a dozen free range throwing eggs.
A free ‘Where’s Murph?’ app for your iPhone
A facsimile Jim Murphy blueprint for the future of the party
A Labour Party infographic poster. Did you know for example that Labour politicians wont eat humble pie?
An Alec Sammin voodoo doll and a box with a hundred pins to keep your adopted politician occupied while you do the hoovering.
Act now to prevent Scotland becoming an electoral dead zone for Labour in future. Each month, by direct debit, we’ll ask no more from you than Gordon Brown spent on refills for his special pen and you have our 30 day refund guarantee.