Murphino boson theory takes vital step closer to “reality”

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Citizen Cuddis reports from the leading edge of science, near Paisley

Eggheads at the Large Heedrum-a-Hodrum Collider that rings the town of Paisley have long been unable to explain the cosmic imbalance between the microscopic number of evidence-based Labour policies and the burgeoning constellations of guff emanating from the party’s many focus groups.

Murphino: two parts Irn Brue, eight parts hee-haw
Murphino: two parts Irn Bru, eight parts hee-haw

But the recent discovery of the theoretically-predicted Murphino – the so-called “patriotic particle” which was thought to be comprise two parts Irn Bru to eight parts hee haw – is beginning to provide answers.

“This discovery is great news,’ said Professor Jock McGeek, head of the Heedrum-a-Hodrum Collider’s theoretical politics unit.

“I honestly thought there was more chance of Jackie Baillie winning an Olympic gong for twerking at Rio 2016 than detecting the Murphino,” he added, conjuring an image that many observers would prefer to have never imagined.

It is thought that Murphinos actually supply the enormous amounts of energy needed to reconcile the wildly contradictory off-the-cuff statements made up by Jim Murphy whenever an opportunity for self promotion presents itself.

“The particles then cause Spud to disperse half-baked motherhood and apple pie statements like agricultural slurry in random directions.”

Prof McGeek concluded: “Now that we have proven that Murphinos exist, we can look forward to working out how to destroy the verbal effluent they give rise to, hopefully before May 7 this year.”

No NHS beds were blocked in the making of this article.