Murphy, in the green room, reveals all about everything. Exclusive.

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Spudwatch

Citizen Cuddis delves behind what’s really going on in Scottish politics…

Jim Murphy yesterday claimed that SNP Ninja are causing chaos at Accident & Emergency departments as a smokescreen behind which they have been secretly fitting castors to the legs of Zimmer frames at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary – an action leading to an increase in ward casualties of 1200 percent since January.

Our hero
Our hero

Murphy’s claim was the subject of this morning’s interview with Andrew Neil on BBC9’s new flagship talking heads program, Spudwatch (“Because Truth Into Lies Won’t Go”.)  The programme is to go out live at 4am on Fridays, and will therefore be watched only by bakers who have slept in for their work and opted for a duvet day.

For those who missed yesterday’s interview here’s the transcript of the “green room” conversation prior to the broadcast. The transcript of the interview itself, as reflective of real life as an episode of In the Night Garden, has been omitted, but may be summarised as follows: SNP bad.

TRANSCRIPT

Location: Green Room kitchen on the Spudwatch set 0330 hours 20 February)

Neil:
Tea?

Murphy:
Now Andrew, that’s the kind of tricksy question politicians ask me all the time. I know this is not what you want to hear but I’m going to give you a boring answer to your boring question: If there’s any Typhoo to be quaffed, my constituents will be the first to learn of it.

Neil:
So you don’t want tea then?

Murphy:
Look, Andrew. You might think that shouting at me will get you somewhere but it really won’t. Let’s have a real debate. This is not about party politics; it’s about me. And you know that, Andrew.

Neil:
What about sugar?

Murphy:
The people of Scotland need answers to far more important questions, Andrew, like who’s going to help me beat out the flames with my Rangers top when the SNP set fire to my pension? What currency are we going to use to pay that pension? The groat or the doubloon? And most important of all, how are we going to get out from under the yoke of fiscal oppression that is the Scotsman’s burden – North Sea oil? And by the way, I don’t take sugar, so what is your plan B?

Neil:
You are Jim. Plan A was to interview a tailor’s dummy but Willie Rennie was using it as a stunt double. Milk?

Murphy:
Andrew, that’s yesterday’s question. It’s the day before yesterday’s question. Everybody’s moved on from there except the BBC. And if you could just let me finish Andrew because it’s important that I say this: SNP bad.

Neil:

Surely not as “yesterday” as the pseudo-democratic, warmongering, nuclear-fuelled underclass-bashing, blame the victim, neoliberal twaddle you’ve been hawking round the market squares of late. Slice of lemon?

Murphy:
(Stuffs fingers in ears and screws eyes tight shut. Begins humming The Sash)

Neil: And by the way, Jim, your key messages may well be clear: Pensions under SNP reduced to a fiver a week, paid in groats; We’ll be down to our last hogshead of crude by March and SNP to introduce fixed odds betting terminals to all primary five classrooms. But these issues have nothing to do with the General Election, Jim. They might have been referendum issues. But the referendum’s over.

The other one
The other one

Murphy: (Long pause, takes fingers from ears) It is? (Looks puzzled). I must have missed that. I was playing shootie-in against some Jewish nuns when my turn came up for the sectarian karaoke at half time. Who won?

Neil: Better Together won, Jim.

Murphy: We did? Result! Must tell Kezia, she’ll be made up!

Citizen Cuddis