Open letter to Iain Duncan Smith, thoughtful carer for the poor

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Dear Iain

Ideas for further welfare savings

Why not build food banks adjacent to Job Centres in the same way that Little Chefs used to be built next to Travel Lodges? That way, claimants whose foreheads your staff have stencilled with the legend “undeserving poor” can save bus fares when they discover they’ve been sanctioned for using a semi-colon instead of a comma on the JSA application form.

Iain Duncan Smith MP shares the joke
Iain Duncan Smith MP shares the joke

With these transport savings the sanctioned could buy an out-of-code egg perhaps. Scrambled and eked out with stolen sawdust (claimants could find out the postal code of their nearest sawmill from the Job Centre computer), this will help a mother to rustle up a nourishing meal for a family of five; assuming she has any family left after selling the more able-bodied children to gypsies to pay last month’s Council Tax.

For those who don’t do dairy, perhaps half a cooking apple (wait though, wasn’t it suggested by that nice lady from the Government – the one who urged the working class to economise by making their own greengage compote – that the poor can’t cook?) Okay, forget the cooking apple and make that a potato; you just boil them I think. Anyone got a pound for the gas?

Better still Dunkers, why not build food banks across the road from Job Centres? The busier the road the better. That way, statistically, a number of claimants will get mown down by disillusioned supermarket home delivery drivers stunned into a permanent trance at the thought of working the next 40 years until they retire at 80 trapped in a dead end job on minimum wage. This will reduce the number of people claiming benefits even further.

As a bonus, deaths can be blamed on the victims on the grounds that they should have been concentrating on their Green Cross Code instead of getting maudlin at the thought of another afternoon thrashing shite out of the bairns’ nappies on a rock in their nearest river because they can’t afford to fix the fecking washing machine!

Sorry for losing it there, Dunko, but I am about to end my six months on Job Seekers Allowance and will shortly move (penniless) to another phase of my journey back to work. I think it’s called suicide watch. This concerns me greatly; if the Job Centre take my laces away, I won’t be able to walk to interviews.

I am trying to stay positive Dunky. I am keen on the additional help I understand you have promised for those who survive the suicide watch stage: Short term Wonga-style loans. The long-term unemployed might use them to purchase shopping trolleys to keep their shit in once they lose their homes and spend the next eight years walking the streets and dodging TB, until their names bubble to the top of the council house waiting list.

I apologise if these ideas come across as barking mad, but you started it.

Yours sincerely,
Cuddis