The deeply popular Minister for Work & Pensions has produced some great new diets and recipes for modern Britain. Newsnet’s very own hungry bugger Citizen Cuddis took notes
Greetings, tummy-rumblers. It’s been an exciting few weeks. Well, for me anyway. My Welfare Bill passed its second reading with flying colours, thanks to our Labour chums. This is great news for everyone on four times average wage. As a one nation Tory, however, no one is better placed to understand the predicament this causes the downtrodden—mostly because I’m the one that’s been stomping on their gonads for the last five years.
Many of them will have a roof over their heads. Well, somebody’s roof over their heads anyway. And provided that promiscuity hasn’t led them to have more than two children, there’s not much coming over them frankly.
Having said that, healthy eating can be a challenge to the feckless which is why I penned this book in the first place. At £15.99 you may rest assured that every penny earned from sales of the book goes directly to my bank account in Cancun.
CHAPTER ONE—The IDS 5:2 Diet
As part of their contract with the DWP, sanctioned benefit scroungers and other riff-raff will soon have to adopt the IDS 5:2 diet. This is for their own good and will provide at least 8% of the recommended daily intake of nutrients needed to sustain meaningful existence. IDS 5:2 dieters will have to remain on the diet until they wise up and get a job.
I am often asked whether the IDS 5:2 diet is healthy. The simple answer is no. The 5:2 diet gets its name because Paddy Power is currently offering five to two against anyone completing the diet without contracting scurvy or rickets.
You will become haggard and listless and may have to walk slowly to conserve energy. On the upside this will increase your chances of landing a part as an extra in any remake of Zombie Dawn II—The Re-infestation.
Nobody said it would be easy. Certainly nobody at the DWP. But here’s some tips, advice and recipes that will give you a fighting chance of dietary success.
Spunky Dunky’s Cost Saving Cookery Tips
No. 27: Stretch your food budget with tattie-paring stock
This low cost recipe will provide you with a yummy stock which you can use to make a variety of nutritious weed-based soups (suggestions below).
8 gallons of water
1 lb. of tattie parings
Drop the parings into a cauldron. Add water. Boil. Strain. Feed tattie parings to your third child. That’s it.
Since there is no way you can afford to heat your home, freeze the stock by leaving it in the children’s bedroom overnight. Defrost a litre at a time with your Zippo as required. Use as a basis for Giant Hogweed Broth or Japanese arse-weed stovies. Serve with a chilled dock leaf and sedge whiffle salad.
Nice one Spunky.
Here’s my own austerity-busting tip: Keep your old chip papers. Stuff them into the sleeves and pockets of your Oxfam jacket. That should keep you warm enough to turn the gas fire off, even in winter.
I’m up for this chip paper gig. Might be useful to suck the grease out of the chip papers first though. Up here for thinking; down there for dancing.
WTF! This chip paper bollo*ks is … Well it’s bollo*ks. Turn off the gas fire? In winter? You’d be hyperbolic within minutes!
You might be right. Daily Record front page story?
‘Police Baffled As Punter Freezes To Death In Front of Gas Fire’
Victim of hypothermia discovered in Wishaw tenement. Double-breasted jacket stuffed with old chip papers. Satanic ritual suspected. ‘This has got the SNP’s fingerprints all over it,’ said Willie Rennie, ‘Arrest Sammin.’
Spunky Dunky’s Feature Recipe
People don’t like austerity. I get that. They don’t like me either. I get that too. But I am no stranger to hard times myself, truth be told. During the dark days of WWII, my family actually ran out of truffles. Mater was in despair (Pater was at the Foreign Office).
Worse was to come. At Christmas the under-butler fell off the wagon and refused to get up of a morning to make breakfast. There were nary a devilled kidney nor poached kipper on the Welsh dresser until Lent.
This week’s lip-smacking offering is for Giblet Soup, an updated version of an 1856 recipe from Mrs. Beeton’s Book of Household Management. Coincidentally, 1856 is the year to which the Conservative Party want to roll back the Welfare State.
3 slack handfuls of ASDA Value goose giblets
1 tin of assorted gizzards
3 lbs shin of beef
A couple of whale bones from your great grandmother’s corset
1 de-sharned ox-tail
2 left-handed mutton shanks
1 large faggot of herbs
3 quarts of water
A dash of hope that one day you’ll be able to afford real food again
Method: Scald the giblets, hack the gizzards, hurl everything in a soup pot with the whale bones, ox-tail, mutton-shanks and herbs. Add the water. Simmer till the giblets are tender or until the rising nausea you’ve felt since you first clapped eyes on the recipe has blossomed into a tripe-shuddering bout of the dry boak, causing you to involuntarily jack-knife around the kitchen like a bull rider in a rodeo.
When the giblets are done, remove them using laundry tongs (the longer the better) Take care not to breathe in. Put them in a serving dish, strain the soup through a sieve and boil the living bejesus out of it for half an hour. Pour over the giblets and serve to anyone foolish enough to want it.
Spunky Dunky Says Let’s Talk … Fruit
As a member of the working poor, you cannot afford first class fruit. However, that needn’t stop you getting your hands on second class fruit.
No precise definition of second class fruit exists but we all know the sort of thing I mean: Fruit that has fallen off a Waitrose delivery lorry which has then reversed over it; pomegranates that have been used for batting practice; bananas knelt on by careless shelf-stackers; strawberries on the turn or genetically modified hairless gooseberries the big supermarkets won’t buy from farmers.
Spunky Dunky’s Austerity-Friendly Verbs
No.16: ‘eke out’
1. to make (a supply) last, esp by frugal use: they eked out what little food was left.
2. to support (existence) with difficulty and effort
3. to add to (something insufficient), esp with effort: to eke out an income with evening work.
Relevant or what?! Whenever I hear this verb I get all nostalgic because I remember the day Dave and I came up with the slogan—‘Let’s make the poor eke ‘till they squeak’. I though we’d never stop laughing.
In the next chapter our topic will be ‘Treats: Why you can’t have them and how to get over it’.