Something’s been stirring in Paisley again. Citizen Cuddis investigates
Professor Klaus Vier at the Heedrum Hodrum Collider in Paisley has hardly had time to draw breath since the recent paradigm-busting discovery of the Murphino Boson, exclusively revealed on Newsnet.scot.
‘It was so exhilarating. I felt as if I had spent a week on a roller coaster power-smoking skunk,’ the Professor told NewsNet’s roving reporter, Achiltibuie Hughie. (It turns out he had. Ed)
‘The lads have been working harder than a one-legged winger trying to nutmeg the left-back, sprint to the corner flag and whip a banana-bender across to the back post. And I am delighted to say their hard work has paid off with yet another scientific breakthrough: Transmissions intercepted from deep space indicate that Jim Murphy has had a close encounter of the third kind.’’
‘To have two breakthroughs in as many weeks is almost unheard of. The last time the Collider discovered anything at all was back in 1996 when Tony Braxton released ‘Un-shave My Legs’. Professor Vier explained this new development to Achiltibuie Hughie during a visit to the Collider’s Control Centre in Wishaw.
‘A mile beneath our safety boots lies a set of tubes more complex than the plumbing on Captain Nemo’s Nautilus. The only thing buried deeper come May will be the Labour Party’s chances of becoming electable again this side of the sun turning into a red giant and frazzling the living bejasus out of the entire solar system.’
Doctor Funf, a Harvard colleague of Professor Vier and one of Paisley’s greatest living experts on extraterrestrial lifeforms, takes up the story.
‘I first noticed something strange about Herr Spud during one of his many televised tête-à-têtes with Jackie ‘The Burd’ Bird. When ‘The Burd’ asked questions, the camera always showed Herr Spud full length and side on. When he was answering the questions, however, the camera showed him only from the shoulders up.’
And that’s when it struck me—Herr Spud was lip-synching whilst simultaneously talking through his arse, a deception that concealed the true origin of his discourse.’
Vier und Funf hypothesise that the titanic forces involved in trying to convey different messages simultaneously from both ends of his digestive tract probably smashed the space-time continuum to pieces like a bar of Coo Candy dropped down a mine shaft.
‘This has given rise to the so-called ‘double vacuum’ theory. Through the cracks in the space-time continuum, electromagnetic waves dating back to a fortnight after the Big Bang danced a Dashing White Sergeant across the vacuum of space and into the vacuum of Spud’s mind.’
‘The origin of the waves turns out to be a super-terran type planet spinning faster than a Slab media team. Vier und Funf named the planet ‘Big Tam’ after legendary footballer ‘Big’ Tam Gemmell.
‘There the hoor was,’ Professor Funf declared. ‘Spinning silently in space. Like the circles that you find. In the windmills…eh… of your mind; hissing with incoherent policies, half-baked ideas and random sound bites.’
‘I was quite literally Hey-Willie-Wallacky-Ho-John-Dougalled,’ Funf continued. ‘What we were listening to was Slabber strategy. Of that there was no doubt. But it was being beamed by the Tambonians directly to Spud’s pre-frontal cortex whence it was routed to his arse by means beyond our technical Ken.’
‘Making sense of the raw transmission; separating the dancer from the dance, the chuff from the chaff if you like, wasn’t easy—Tambonians communicate with each other through a complex language of armpit farts and yodelling.
The double vacuum theory suggests parity between the interstellar gibberish spoken by the Tambonians and Jim Murphy’s own brand of gibberish, with its whispering, labyrinthine conflation of logic, fact and fibs. Luckily, it was easy peasy to decipher the Tambonians’ message using the Commodore 64 which controls the Collider.
‘Listening to the raw data was like tuning into Radio Luxembourg on a Bakelite radio during a spike in sunspot activity circa 1968. Bits of Tom Jones’ Delilah mixed through with lies, imaginary health crises and dubious statistics. The blooming and fading of Lieutenant Pigeon singing Mouldy Old Dough’ competing for supremacy with what might have been the Albanian shipping forecast.
‘Is it possible that Jim Murphy was an alien abductee?’ Achiltibuie Hughie asked Doctor Funf. Funf was reticent to disclose too much.
‘Put it like this. He must have been doing something during his nine years at university and it certainly wasn’t attending lectures. Go figure.’
‘Can you say whether the Tambonians inserted implants?’
‘Well, there’s a lot of research still to do,’ Herr Funf replied. ‘But if they did, we can rule out common sense, veracity, shame, respect for constituents, humility, intelligence, compassion and altruism.’
Funf kept his biggest revelation for last. ‘The Tambonian contact was not entirely benign. They have not come to offer a cure for brewer’s droop or supply robots to bring Aberdeen City’s western peripheral by-pass in on time. They are not miracle workers.’
‘But they have offered to prop up a minority Labour Government in the event of a hung parliament in May. As a quid pro quo the Tambonians demand the right to render all benefit claimants into meat paste at a specially converted knacker’s yard in Motherwell. Space freighters will ship the product back to Big Tam where the political classes will spread it on the equivalent of their morning toast. The Labour Party have so far refused to rule this out.’
‘The Tambonians also had a message for the whole of mankind. Unfortunately, lab technician ‘Wee’ Shuggie McKechnie was playing Manic Miner on the Commodore 64 when the incoming signal arrived and he was none too pleased when his game had to vie for processor time with the Tambonians first-contact message for the planet.’
‘Two standard operating procedures kicked in. The immediately issuance of a P45 to ‘Wee’ Shuggie and the reverse engineering of the Commodore 64’s memory chip to recover the lost message.’
‘Turned out that Spud’s opposite number on Big Tam, His Supreme Gypitness, The Alpha Bam of Tambonia, Skyping between Big Tam and the Collider’s Wishaw facility had said: ‘For three hundred and seven of your terran years we have waited, little Earth-people from the northern lands—‘
Cutting in, Wee Shuggie brought the Tambonians’ supreme leader down in the box. ‘So have we, bonnie laddie, so have we!’ Shuggie said, ‘but with a bit of luck we’ll no have tae wait much longer.’
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The editors wish to apologise for the loss of normal service (i.e. a photo of the One Who Isn’t Called Jenny) but we ran out of smart-alec captions.