When a cub reporter for Radio Shortbread’s four p.m Newsdrive programme misapplied the BBC’s quality control procedures, an unspun package believed to have been based on fact was broadcast in error. The hapless tyro’s piece went out before he could be huckled into the back alley through the fire doors with a P45 tucked in his hat band. Citizen Cuddis has the details.
MISTAKEN HEADLINE: Scotland’s wind power hits record levels
The uncomfortable fact that Scotland’s renewable energy sector continues to go from strength to strength – recently generating enough power in one day to meet all of Scotland’s energy requirements – is getting the Unionist press’s long-johns mightily torqued up at the crotch …
This news and its factual underpinnings were quickly trampled under foot by the fourth estate. Time for a re-write!
JUST-IN-TIME REWRITE: Lacklustre renewable energy figures a knee in the puddins to Sturgeon as ‘experts’ agree: Wind to stop blowing in Scotland by 2023
The Twitter-sphere lit up like George Foulke’s nose after a New Year party as news broke that shameless demagogue Nicla Sturgeon’s dreams of a low-cost, free-loading, funded-by-London wind-turbine nirvana had been crushed by an iron fist on publication of the SNP’s latest shocking energy figures.
The political dead-legging of the SNP’s cherished alternative energy plans came as the utterly neutral ‘Institute for Finding Fault in Everything the SNP Does’ revealed incontrovertible scientific evidence that the wind will stop blowing forever in Scotland in October 2023 —traditionally a windy month in Jocksville — leaving a 50 billion pound black hole in the puir wee country’s energy budget.
‘This is a cataclysmic disaster, and colossally damaging to the Scottish Government. And for that other lot — the SNP,’ said Labour’s foremost intellectual dynamo, Iain Gray. ‘This is the worst thing to befall the separatists since the pile of shite we made up about the railways. The Institute’s discovery of a future wind deficit quite clearly delivers Nicla Sturgeon’s energy policy a forearm smash to the thrapple.’
Blow to Sturgeon as Chinese Swicks take wind out of First Minister’s sails: BBC discovers that Chinese partners sold black market wind to triads
Maoist sympathiser Nicla Sturgeon had the ‘wind taken out of her sails’ this morning as news broke of a secret deal between Edinburgh and Beijing to import cheap Chinese wind after the wind stops blowing across Scotland forever in 2023.
Jackie Baillie of Scottish Labour said that ‘this elbow to the kidney’s for the First Minister will create a 200 million pound energy black hole. Scotland will need to put the basic rate of income tax up to 73p in the pound or scrap the Scottish National Health Service altogether to close this gap.’
Theresa May has already ruled out supplying wind to Scotland from south of the border in a-poolin and a-sharin sort of way. ‘When the last squirrel-fart of air peters out across the Cairngorms in the autumn of 2023 the government I lead will launch a new initiative—English wind for English turbines,’ Ms May said. ‘We have made arrangements to ensure that any northerly English winds arising post-2023 stop at Berwick-on-Tweed.’
Doyen of political commentators, John McTerrahawk claims that when the wind stops blowing, the Scottish Drying Green Industry will collapse with a loss of half a million jobs. Clothes peg manufacturers will go to the wall in their droves, he says. As would software houses specialising in drying-green-rota apps for the Apple Watch. I’m with John on this. His predictions are always super-accurate.
The cost to the Scottish Government of decommissioning redundant whirlies will exceed the cost of the health service squared plus the national debt of Bolivia. Then it’s bye-bye independence. And not before time too. Deffy-nately a well-deserved Glesca kiss for the First Minister.
Think-tanker and Labour Party supporter Professor Backhander from the University of Jim Murphy backs McTerrahawk’s claims. And that’s good enough for me. I’d believe anything I would.
With a penny on income tax we could have kept the wind blowing.
Next February sees the anniversary of the fire bombing of Dresden. Shameful that the SNP’s pacifist stance would deny the United Kingdom the ability to reduce a foreign capital to a cinder should we need to preserve the peace in this way again.
I’m not really into facts. However, where does this leave the Whirly industry? Let’s see the SNP hydro-electric their way out of this one.
This article has been certified 100% paranoid cybernat nonsense and therefore cleared for prominent use everywhere. Ed.