Citizen Cuddis looks back at the Trumponian visit through The Donald’s perpetual lens, ever lost in a twilight world of fantasy and delusion and Newsnet Graphics plays with imagery and latin contorta. Enjoy
The Donald Visits Auchenshoogle, Meets Broons
Ace reporters, Tam Ross & Bob Cromarty, the Woodwind and Bernstein of the Cowcaddens Boomerang, racked up another scoop last night, alleging that during his recent visit to the UK Donald Trump made an unpublicised visit to the offices of the Sunday Post in Dundee where he was shown a number of Broons albums.
That the POTUS might have casually flicked through the 1963 Broons annual is in itself unremarkable. However, in yet another outbreak of Trumponian foot-in-mouth disease, Trumpers wrote the Sunday Post the following day, thanking them for their hospitality and for arranging a PR trip to Auchenshoogle to promote yet another golf course development.
According to Ross and Cromarty this communique was promptly smothered by a press embargo after Trump’s aides explained to the Donald that Auchenshoogle — the current registered address of the Broons — was, in fact, a fictional location and that the Broons were a fictional family.
Commenting on the embargo, Citizen Cuddis, the Boomerang’s editor-in-chief, and no stranger to speaking truth to power (or shite to the barmaid at the Badger’s Arse, Paisley, after four pints of snakebite) said ‘Publish and be damned.’ Ross and Cromarty published the transcript of the so-called Auchenshoogle Letter along with Trump’s subsequent clarification. See full text below.
To the editor of the Sunday Post, Dundee, Scotchland
‘Dear Sunday Posters and kilt-swaddled people of Scotchland. It was so nice of you to arrange yesterday’s visit to the lovely village of Auchenshoogle to meet your Broons. I will not easily forget Grandfather Broon — I have never come face-to-face with a moustache containing more hair than a badger’s butt before.
‘Please also pass my best wishes to the malnourished Hen Broon. You know, that fella really needs to chow down on more chlorinated chicken — please tell Hen that it’s coming to a post-Brexit American hypermarket in Airdrie, real soon. By the way, was Hen named after a chicken? Just askin.
‘It was a privilege also to meet the very lovely Daphne Broon. Not many people know that Daphne is actually Gordon Brown in drag. So that’s where you’ve been hiding Gordon. And the twins — I am told there are two of them. Not many people know that about twins — that there’s two of them. Usually, anyway.
Editor’s note: We hear windmills give Donald the boak. Our remedy is chew on another Donaldum Magiciass and you will want windmills around all your oversized putting greens.
‘The real purpose of my visit was of course, golf. With Brigadoon International Airport less than 5 miles away, Auchenshoogle is the perfect location for my noo-ist golf course. Naturally, the village of Auchenshoogle will have to be utterly demolished to make way for the Trump-Auchenshoogle Golf Resort. Not since the good Lord laid waste to Sodom and Gommorah will a centre of population have been so completely eradicated, to make room for an 18 hole golf course.
We will of course build luxury accommodation on the site as part of the deal — ‘Buts’ start at $500,000 and a one-bedroom ‘Ben’ will set you back $300,000. Whereas a But and Ben combo comes in at a cool $1,000,000. And not a wind turbine in sight.
Unbelievably, people living in the Auchenshoogle area were against the idea at first, but since my visit many of them have called to thank me for my plan to threaten their traditional way of life and to gratuitously destroy their ancient landscape. More than ever people are coming round to seeing what I’m seeing, which isn’t easy unless you’re taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The land in and around Auchenshoogle is owned by one of your landed gentry — Lord Snooty — and negotiations to buy the real estate for the development are already underway. I have met the Snoot and he seems keen to sell.’
Thank you for having me in Dundonia.
The Auchenshoogle Clarification
‘During my recent visit to the Sunday Post offices in Dundonia, I may have said out loud that I visited Auchenshoogle. If I did say it out loud, I mis-spoke; if I didn’t say it out loud, I mis-thunk.
In fact I was never in Auchenshoogle since — and people don’t realise this — it doesn’t exist. And while I wasn’t there I didn’t make the speech reported in the Sunday Post by reporters Ross and Cromarty. Neither have I at any time met the Broons who I understand had gone back to their former residence in 10 Glebe Street some time before I arrived in Dundonia. I trust that’s clear.
‘However, despite Grandpa Broon’s fictional status, he did make snarky remarks about my suggestion that torture isn’t always bad. And I’m ashamed to say that I had the old fella rendered to Guantanamo Bay for water-boarding. I’m not proud of it, though it certainly washed the sass out of his dick-duster moustache, I can tell you. However, I told the Gitmo boy’s to go easy on him and they let him wear his dookers throughout the six hour ordeal. I also arranged for him to have 24/7 access to his baccy, though it’s a tough gig trying to smoke a pipe stuffed with Golden Virginia when your lungs are full of water and your Swan Vestas won’t light.
Lord Snooty: ‘The Donald was, well rather snooty about my beloved tractor. I won’t sell to him on any account now’
‘Also for the avoidance of doubt, I have never actually met Lord Snooty, though it’s possible we exchanged tweets at some point in the past. I’m waiting for my communication team to get back to me on that.
‘Finally, biblical scholars have pointed out that there is no evidence of a golf course at either Sodom or Gomorrah. I am deeply sorry if that’s what I implied.
‘Anything else is just fake noos, which as you know is a tremendous problem these days, as is keeping a firm hold on your comb over