Wanted: Head of Flimflam, terms negotiable, ‘vapers’ welcome


Title: Head of Flimflam

Location: Variety of smoke filled rooms*

Employer: Scottish Labour Party

Executive Recruitment Specialists, Baloney, Balderdash and Piffle, are offering a career enhancing opportunity for a suitable, backward-looking has-been to join a desperate political party wallowing in political quicksand like a pole-axed water buffalo.

Our client—the Scottish Labour Party (champions of the un-needy)—is looking for a way out of the political swamp. They have been splashing around there in their little red galoshes since GE 2015, thanks entirely to SNP treachery and badness.

UnknownThe Head of Flimflam will be a dynamic self-starter expected to provide a route map back to SLAB electability. Are you that person? Even though there’s more chance of an octogenarian Zimmer-frame user with both feet in the same slipper surviving the Pamplona bull run than SLAB ever becoming electable again, could you lead this tribe out of the wilderness?

Current candidates for the SLAB party leadership are of lucky bag quality and nobody in their right mind wants the job. This forced Baloney, Balderdash and Piffle to cast their net farther afield to include fictional characters and rulers of interstellar civilisations. As a result, the following equally credible candidates will be added to the ballot paper for the election of the new SLAB leader:

Lord Voldemort

The Cottingley Fairies

His Supreme Gypitness, the Alpha Bam of Tambonia (ruler of Big Tam, a distant planet 200 light-years from Earth, discovered by the boffins at the Heedrum-Hodrum Collider in Paisley)

It will be the Head of Flimflam’s job to mentor the new SLAB leader.

The Daily Record's Torquil Crichton interviews the previous incumbent
The Daily Record’s Torquil Crichton interviews the previous incumbent

Note that if the Alpha Bam of Tambonia wins the leadership contest, you will be required to travel to Tambonia. If Einstein was right about time dilation you’ll come back to eight billion pounds in back pay. On the debit side of the space-time paradox, everybody you ever knew will have been dead for 300 years.

The successful candidate:

  • will be an outstanding practitioner of chicanery. Preference will be given to former street-corner counterfeit perfume salesmen.
  • will have a proven track record in self-delusion. Would suit anyone believing they are Marie Antoinette or Jackie ‘Mr TV’ Pallo. Or a multiple personality incorporating both.
  • will demonstrate the capacity for holding anyone other than SLAB responsible for the party’s current standing. Potential scapegoats include: The Salvation Army, Opus Dei, The Cheltenham and Gloucester Building Society, Mike and Bernie Winters and the SNP.
  • See when ah win? Youse'll have to put ma photie in every Cuddis story - AND spell ma name right, see? Aye, and it's no' 'Mhairi Black' either, eh?
    See when ah win? Youse’ll have to put ma photie in every Cuddis story – AND spell ma name right, see? Aye, and it’s no’ ‘Mhairi Black’ either, eh?

    will have relevant experience. You will have sold leather jackets and fake watches out of the boot of your Ford Focus in ASDA car parks.

  • will have a degree. Anything will do—a lower second in Etruscan pottery or a first in Linoleum Technology (BSc LinoTech)
  • will have an MBA. From anywhere. Will accept MBAs from the Online University of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan
  • If you are interested in this job, please email your resume or call for further information.
  • Email editor@newsnet.scot and mark for the attention of Citizen Cuddis (headhunter)

* Vapers welcome